-FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE-
MADISON, WI -- U.S. forces have once again been dispatched into what was formerly northern Wisconsin in an attempt to subdue the rebel coalition led by the ruthless dictator known only as Elanivalae. American troops sustained heavy casualties while attempting to make their way through the Chequamegon National Forest as legions of well-trained, fashionably dressed bishounen guerilla fighters set upon them from the treetops, wielding sharpened sporks and terrible puns with the fearsome fanaticism of those who have nothing to lose.
"It was awful! We expected to be able to take down at least half of the Leather Pants Division in the first few hours of fighting, but we never got that far," said a young recruit, who preferred to remain anonymous. "We set foot in those woods, and before we knew it, it was all over in a flurry of sparkles, bubbles, and pink hair. I saw four men to my right go down in a hail of double entrendre...I never thought I'd get out alive!"
Elanivalae, known primarily for her heretical fanfiction, love of ellipses, and inability to cook even ramen noodles properly, took advantage of international political mayhem to claw her way to power in the latter half of the last decade. By the time world leaders realized she posed a threat to their sovereignty, she had persuaded leading Israeli biologists to clone Japanese pop icon Gackt several thousand times, thus providing herself with a neverending army of vicious, mindless fan-girl shock troops. Though she almost never appears publicly, Elanivalae did send a letter to the editors of this publication, reminding them that she accepts cash, gifts of expensive chocolate, human sacrifices, and American Express.
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Could I burn like that - would the lick of flames on my skin wipe me clean?