To Thine Own Self

part 1 of The Passion Arc

Ed dodged around the corner and clapped his hands. Wheeling around, he slapped the wall and paused to glance behind him at his handiwork; blue jolts of energy surged through the wood and stone as a barrier suddenly blocked off the hallway, giving him a moment's respite from his pursuer. He rested against the wall, panting for breath, and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"I'll take care of him."

Lust laughed and sat down on the edge of the couch to watch. "Oh... Didn't you already do that?" she smirked.

Ed slowly cracked his eyes open, checking his surroundings, then closed them again, feigning unconsciousness. The wooden floor was cool against his naked flesh and he hated this exposure, this open vulnerability; he resented the display of his mutilated body to these inhuman creatures, the visibility of Envy's violation of him. His face burned with mixed humiliation and fury, but he remained limp, waiting for the right moment. No matter what, I have to get back to Al...

"You know what I mean." Envy said, reaching down to pick Ed up off the floor by his hair. The androgynous Sin regarded the alchemist for a long moment, palpably radiating disgust, and his free hand curled into a fist. "I'll take care of this little bastard," he growled, lavender eyes hardening and lips twisting into a feral grin. "Equivalent trade..."

"Now, now," Lust's smooth voice broke across his words. "If you hurt him too much, he won't be of any use to us."

With a snarling curse, Envy threw Ed aside, taking a step toward Lust. Seeing the Sins' distraction, Ed scrambled to his feet. "You still think I care about that? I only care..."

The sound of Ed's hands meeting cut him off, and the room exploded in a series of rocky spikes as Ed made a run for freedom.

"Heh." Envy grinned, his lips pulling back to show his teeth in a shark-like grin. "Yeah, yeah, yeah... The game was getting boring," he shouted through the wall as he shifted shape, his new body's long fingernails slicing through the barrier easily. "It's so much better when you can fight back." He shifted back into his "own" form as he stepped over the rubble, tossing his dark hair over his shoulder with a lazy flick of his wrist. "It excites me, ochibi-san."

Ed glared at the monster stepping slowly closer and transmuted his automail, the familiar blade sparkling with released alchemical energy. He stepped back into a defensive position, the grungy lighting accenting his well-built physique and gleaming on his steel limbs. For a brief moment, Envy was reminded of ancient drawings of beautiful, nude Greek athletes, the height of human perfection.

The Sin shook that thought from his head, and his gaze lingered on the newly-changed automail limb. He lifted his eyes to Ed's gold ones and tipped his head to the side, smiling. "Especially when you use alchemy."

Ed hesitated briefly, baring his teeth in a scowl at the homunculus, then charged at him with a wild scream, lashing out with his bladed arm.

The Sin evaded him easily, laughing. His graceful, slender body whipped around in a high round-house kick which Ed ducked to avoid, cursing under his breath; the blond rammed his shoulders into Envy's knees, and the homunculus staggered before tumbling back with the agility of a cat. He was quick to regain his footing, but Ed lunged forward again, knocking Envy down once more and stabbing downward with a furious yell.

Envy winced as the steel blade sliced through his shoulder, then smiled calmly up into Ed's panting face as the boy knelt over him, pinning him to the floor. "You can't kill me that easily."

Ed snarled at the arrogance dripping from the Sin's words, digging the blade in further. His other hand caught Envy's cool wrist and slammed it against the hard floor. "Maybe not with my automail, but all I have to do is clap my hands to blow you back to hell."

Envy laughed in sheer delight, throwing his head back and arcing up against Ed's nude form, his violet eyes gleaming with malicious good humor.

"What's so damned funny?" the young alchemist hissed down at his captive. He twisted the keen edge of his transmuted automail in the inhuman flesh in an attempt to remind the Sin of his position, shut him up, and make him behave.

"Ed-chan." Envy smirked, his tone and words warm and terrifying in their simple intimacy. "Don't you realize by now? I am as much you as you are me."

"Shut up!" Ed released his grip on the Sin's hand to twine his hand into the long dark locks, twisting Envy's head back against the stone floor. He leaned in close to his captive's face, bristling in rage and closing the remaining distance between them. "Shut up! I'm not like you!"

"No?" the homunculus asked incredulously, beginning to quiver with repressed laughter once more. "No? Heh..." He smiled up at the alchemist—my alchemist—and squirmed beneath him, seeking a slightly more comfortable position and savoring the angry flush staining the boy's cheeks, the ragged puffing of his moist breath, the feel of his hot-blooded human body rubbing against him. His gaze flicked over Ed's face, taking in all of it with eyes that saw every detail and storing the image in the emptiness within him that craved to be filled with everything Ed was—the beautiful, talented, intelligent, beloved sun child. Bitterness suddenly twisted through him with the strength of physical pain, and his smug smile stiffened... He was not Edward, and he would never be the golden child ever again, and there were only two options left.

Possession, or complete destruction.

Envy forced his face to relax and tipped his narrow hips up, wrapping his long, slim legs around Ed's muscular waist, pinning to the human against his body. Ed struggled against this, flexing his back, cussing and ripping up more of the homunculus's shoulder with his automail. "Let go!" he snarled, eyes flashing—anger? Maybe... maybe not. Envy could feel the young alchemist's body responding in other, equally interesting, ways.

"No?" the homunculus asked again, his voice low and savage, caressing his captor's warm skin. "You've lived your whole life in the shadow of your famous alchemist father; don't tell me you aren't haunted by your own insecurities, your own petty jealousy... Go on, Hagane-no-ochibi-san, tell me that you've never known the sin of envy. Tell me that it is not a cross that you bear."

Ed jerked his face back, his eyes wide, and his mouth dropped open. Slowly, he shook his head, staring down at the Sin. "No... No. No! I just..." He shook Envy's head viciously, slamming him back against the stone. "Shut up! Shut up!" he cried out, syllables smearing in his mouth until he was only shouting incoherently.

Envy grunted in pain, tasting blood in his mouth as his teeth snapped painfully shut on his own tongue. A little bit more, Ed-chan... a little more and you might understand the fine line between hate and love, rage and jealousy and longing and lust and wanting. You don't even realize how close you are. The homunculus arched his back, feeling the warm human body pressing down on him, friction building like electricity as Ed rocked against him, pounding the back of his head against the floor. The young alchemist's thighs were taut and sweaty against the backs of his cooler legs, and Envy could feel the heat and pressure building. It was all the Sin could do to keep from groaning aloud with mixed pain and pleasure. close I am.

He wasn't sure if Ed was aware of his teenaged body's hormonal reaction in response to his passionate anger and the firm press of his captive's flesh, or if he knew that his movements against Envy were more exaggerated and violent than was necessary for the action taken, his hips slamming into the Sin's in an increasingly frantic rhythm.

"G—Got an...itch, Ed...chan?" he managed, smiling with bloodied teeth.

Ed froze immediately, suddenly aware of what he was doing, and Envy felt a chill sweep across the human's skin like a cold wind.

"Or are you just enjoying yourself too much?"

Ed's face twisted in a strange mix of disgust, hatred, and—what? What was that, that fleeting second of...?—and he slumped down against Envy, gasping for breath, his anger momentarily spent. The homunculus slowly raised his hand to the trembling golden head, stroking the strands in an almost comforting gesture while the newly inflicted scrapes and bruises healed. Ed tried to turn his head away with a venomous look, but the hand that was so gentle one second held him like iron the next, the long fingers curled into a fist with sprays of golden hair sticking out from his grip.

"Stalemate." Envy smirked.

"I don't think so," Ed hissed, his nose brushing the tip of the Sin's chin as he raised his head, staring challengingly down at him.

"You might be able to do something with your alchemy, but that would require you to let me go. You can't kill me in either case; the only thing you might be able to do is slow me down for a few minutes." His smirk broadened and he leaned up into Ed's face, staring into those wide, blazing eyes. "So, then... What are you going to do, ochibi-san?"

Ed barely even breathed, seemingly frozen, and Envy waited for as long as he could stand for Ed to make up his mind until he finally closed the distance between them, claiming his alchemist's lips in a ferociously needy kiss. His tongue pushed into the warm wetness of Ed's willing mouth, still tasting faintly of blood, and tender pink skin bruised against the sharp angles of teeth as the blond pushed back, shoving Envy back against the floor with a growl.

His reckless, furious need was almost enough to send Envy right over the edge.

Almost unconsciously, he shapeshifted out of his clothing, and the tingling chill of the energy sweeping down him made Ed's hand twist harshly in his dark hair and finally pull back, gasping for breath and glaring. Their eyes—so different, yet with such a hauntingly similar expression—met and locked, and Ed's lips sheared back to show his teeth in a hostile-pained-vengeful expression. Envy grinned back, thoroughly enjoying himself.


The Sin raised a brow questioningly. Ed had never used his name before.

Ed pulled his hand free of the dark locks that entangled it and raked his hand down the inhuman body, his fingernails drawing thin trails of blood; his gaze did not leave the Sin's face as he reached his hip and slid his hand under the spread legs, his fingers groping inelegantly as he fumblingly lined himself up.

"This is going to hurt."

Envy arched his back up off the cold, dirty floor into the first awkward, agonizing thrust encouragingly, violet eyes rolling, groaning through his clenched teeth. He reached up to Ed, his fingers scraping against the shoulder of his metal limb, scratching at it as though it were real flesh; the automail blade grated against his scapula, threading fresh notes of pain into the melody harmonizing in his body. His violation—of spirit, of mind, of body—was complete, and his suffering was exquisite. It isn't enough that he is the golden child, the boy genius, the beloved one... That wasn't enough. Not enough reason for me to hate him. No... No, it's that, despite of everything...I had to love him, too. He took a deep breath, blinking the sudden brightness from his eyes, and looked up at Ed.

The golden blond hair spilled over his shoulder like ripe hay tumbling from a barn loft, messy and mostly pulled free from its restraining braid, framing his face and dangling low enough to brush against Envy's skin; his lips were swollen and bruised a deep shade of luscious pink, and smeared with traces of the homunculus's blood. The slitted lavender gaze traced the curve of his clenched jaw, the downward furrow of his clenched brow, the dark line of his thick fringe of lashes veiling his eyes, and fierce, mindless wanting poured into him; he wanted everything Ed could give him, everything and more. His legs tightened around Ed's waist as he bucked his hips up as sharply as the flick and crack of a bullwhip, filling the hollow burning never-satisfied desire within him with the hard anger and lust of the human boy's body, and he was gratified to hear Ed gasp and snarl in unexpected pleasure, his eyes fluttering open.

As if a seal was broken with the lifting of his eyelids and the sight of the homunculus's hungry face, Ed began to move once more; he braced himself on his automail arm and brought his other up to regain its place twined in Envy's hair, then drove his captive against the stone with a short, forceful, pointed shove, drawing a low cry from the Sin. He pulled back, shuddering, and took in a deep breath, trying to maintain his fierce, hard fury. His face contorted and he licked his lips, thrusting into Envy almost tentatively at first, finding his rhythm, trying to ignore the physical pleasure of the act and the emotional pleasure of revenge, then faster and harder as the twin matches of lust and rage lit fuses deep within his belly and heart.

Ed growled, a low, feral noise, and yanked on Envy's hair, pulling him up into another rough kiss as they rocked against the stone floor, teeth clashing, tongues tumbling over one another, light and dark mingling and drinking deeply from each other. Ed's growl thinned into a high-pitched needy whine, and he moved as though he could barely control himself, his thighs and back trembling.

Envy moved with his alchemist's rhythm, pushing beyond the pain—a mere distraction, anyway—into the realm of pure hedonistic pleasure, clutching him close and shaking against his heated flesh. If I could... If I could melt away... If we could be like this eternally, I you and you I, I... I might... Coherent thought burned away, the ashes of it blowing away in the wind of fleeting, ecstatic fulfillment. Pain blazed up from the wreck of his pierced shoulder into his neck, throbbing in time with the sweetness of his penetration, the friction between them scratching a long-suffered and unending itch, and it was incredible, it's incredible, I didn't know... I didn't know it'd be like this. He turned his face into Ed's metallic shoulder, biting down on the steel to stifle his cries and digging his nails in as they raced toward the inevitable end.

Ed gave three last, hard, frantic thrusts, lifting the Sin up off the floor with each snap of his pelvis, and he suddenly broke out into a scream as he climaxed, stiffening and trembling as he poured his release out into the homunculus. Envy gave a half-choked cry against the steel, shuddering at the heat that flooded him, unable and unwilling to stop his own orgasm. White-hot white noise washed over him like a tsunami, blinding him and blocking out everything—everything but a breath-taking moment of completeness, blood to blood, spirits crying out to each other, a rapture greater than the physical pleasure.

If... If only we could be like this...eternally...

The blond boy slumped down against him, panting into his uninjured shoulder, and Envy closed his violet eyes; regret seeped in first, and wistfulness, but he could feel the bitterness springing out from the darkness to claim him once more. His legs slid down from Ed's back, and he hesitated, hating what he was about to say even as he prepared to say it, even as he hated Ed and everything he represented. He clenched his jaw—why does it always have to be like this?—and viciously shoved Ed's face away from him.

"No," he said brutally, lips curving up into a double-edged smile. "You're nothing like me, are you...ochibi-san?"

The alchemist's gold-amber eyes widened as he was jolted back into himself, back into awareness of where he was and what he had just done, and Envy could see the tracks of dried furious tears streaking his dirt and blood smudged face. Slowly—oh, so slowly!—he shook his head and began to sit up, breaking out of his froze state and backing away from the evidence of his sin. "N... No. No. No! No! N...!"

Envy brought his bare feet up swiftly, coiling under Ed like a striking snake, and slammed them into the alchemist's vulnerable belly, throwing Ed off of him, then stood up, willing his usual garb flawlessly into place. The wound in his shoulder sealed as though he was never injured.

Ed bounced off the floor, the wind knocked from him, but he was also quick to stumble up to face his enemy and wordlessly glare. He gratefully sucked in a burning breath and wiped his face with his fist, trying to hide his newest torrent of tears, seeking a brief moment in which to regain his composure and disguise the pain in his eyes. He grimaced at the moisture marking his hand before looking up at the homunculus. "Why?" he asked simply.

Envy shrugged, tossing his dark mane over his shoulder nonchalantly. It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. His suffering is my delight. It's right that he should suffer as I have suffered. "I don't know," he proclaimed, shrugging again. "Maybe it's not so important. Who knows?"

Ed's brow furrowed down and he frowned, snorting in disbelief at Envy's casually apathetic answer. "I guess I shouldn't have expected anything meaningful from you, anyway."

"So, was your vengeance as sweet as you wanted it to be, ochibi-san?" the Sin taunted, his predator's violet eyes narrowed as he smirked, his hand on his hip in an aggressively arrogant posture. "As good as you hoped it would be? Did you like it? Enjoy taking me as much as I did you?" Did you, for even one moment, enjoy me? Need me?

Ed's face crumpled, and he turned away, then dashed away down the dimly lit hallway, trying once more to outrun his own personal demons, leaving Envy unanswered.

Envy dropped his stance, the tension holding him steady gone in an instant. His head fell forward, his hair curtaining off the rest of the world, and he clenched his hands in helpless fists. I shouldn't just let him go. He's mine. He's mine. He belongs to me now, completely. I should... I...

The Sin shuddered and took a deep breath, raising his head to stare down the empty hallway. One way or another, Ed, he thought, you'll soon realize you can't just run away from me that easily. You'll realize you burn for me as much as you hate me, and then... Envy smiled. ...then you'll come to me.