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Dear Samantha


THE CENTRAL CITY TIMES.
Agony Aunt Page.

Send your letters to our own Agony Aunt, Samantha! Dr Samantha Cole has been there, done it and bought the t-shirt. She's a qualified psychiatrist and an expert Scottulaejnir*, which she assures us is a kind of special doctor. She can solve all your mental and physical health questions!

Except the ones she can't. Also, if it's urgent, then go to the hospital!


Dear Dr. Samantha,

What would you say is the best method for dealing with paperwork-avoiding Colonels?

First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye,
Central.

Dear Lieutenant Hawkeye,

An Uzi.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
Another Place.


Dear Samantha,

I have a weight problem, but I can't seem to stop eating. What should I do?

-Glen Tony Sinne,
Lior City.

Dear Glen,

Try self control exercises. Whenever you feel the urge to eat something, pause and imagine the benefits of not eating it. Surround yourself with low fat food, and try to avoid human flesh.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
The World


Dear Dr Sam,

Who am I?

—N. Veigh,
Wherever the Fullmetal Shorty is

Dear M(r/s/rs/iss) Veigh,

I would recommend those with identity crisis read my new bestseller, "Living With a Stranger". Otherwise, count how many limbs you have, work out what colour your skin is and how many eyeballs you have, then find your passport or birth certificate. If you haven't got one, then you're probably an alien.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
Somewhere in the Milky Way


Dear Samantha,

People keep running away from me. The other day, I could only find one person to show my family photos. Why is this?

-L.Colonel Maes Hughes,
Central

Dear Maes,

Thank you for the pictures of your daughter you included with your letter. As for the reason people run away from you, it's hard to say without meeting you personally. Do you shower regularly? Brush your teeth?

-Dr Samantha Cole,
Ankh Morpork


Dear Dr Samantha,

How can I persuade the shortarse who lives near me to drink milk? He's vertically challenged and sensitive about it, and I feel a regular helping of milk would go a long way towards helping him gain some precious inches. I've tried beating him semi-conscious with a wrench and taking his arm off so he can't fight back, but somehow he always manages to wriggle away.

-Winry Rockbell
The Place Whose Name Defies Spelling, but at the moment we're going for Risenbourg.

Dear Winry,

Have you tried sleeping pills, detaching his arm, beating him with a wrench, and force-feeding him through a funnel at the same time?

-Dr Samantha Cole
E-bay


Dear Sam,

People seem to think I am a pimp. This is not true. I don't share my girls. How can I persuade people that this is so?

-You can call me Greed,
My Pad

Dear You can call me Greed,

Kill them all.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
Hogwarts


Dear Samantha,

I'LL GET YOU! I WILL! I'LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND STUFF IT

-Wrath

The Editor reserves all right to cut letters for reasons of anatomical uncertainty.

Dear Wrath,

Your problem seems to be with anger management. I suggest therapy. My new course; "Angry people and the Temper Tantrums they throw" will, of course, be of great help! Other than that, I suggest that when you encounter irritating situations, you sit back, count to ten and smoke some weed.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
The Tower of London


Dr Samantha,

I am concerned about some rumors which have going around my office concerning my relationship with one of my subordinates. When cornered, another member of my staff admitted to starting the rumours. He has been disiplined, but now the rumours appear stronger than ever. How can I convince my staff that I am not sleeping with this particular subordinate?

-Colonel Roy Mustang,
East Headquarters

Dear Roy,

I must confess that even I have heard the rumours. I say you should sleep with the subordinate—you'll make such a sexy sweet couple!

Dr Samantha Fangirl Cole,
Somewhere between Saturn and Jupiter


Dear Dr Samantha,

People keep mistaking me for the Dark Lord Sauron. How do I prevent this?

-Pride,
Lurking in the shadows

Dear Pride,

Stop setting yourself on fire, no matter how good a party trick you think it is. Also, try wearing dark glasses, or possibly a dark monocle.

Dr Samantha Cole,
Mordor


Dear Sam,

Where the hell is the Philosopher's Stone?

-Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist
Some train somewhere

Dear Edward,

Try looking in the mirror of Erised, or sacrificing large numbers of people. Can I have your underpants autograph?

-Dr Sam "Call me, baby" Cole,
Fangirlville


Dear Dr Samantha Cole,

Why are you hiding in our luggage, when did you get on the train, and what do you want to do with my brother's underpants, dare I ask?

-Alphonse Elric, NOT the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Some train nowhere

Dear Alphonse,

Because I didn't want you to know I was there, the last station, and wouldn't YOU like to know?

-Dr Samantha Cole,
A few carriages down


Dear Dr Samantha,

I hope I wasn't too rough with you, but only one person has the right to stalk the Elric brothers, and that's me. My family has a history of

-Alex Louis Armstrong,
The Armstrong Mansion

The Editor reserves all right to cut letters for reasons of personal grudges against those who are richer than she is.

Dear Alex,

It's alright, I'll recover. Besides, I got Ed's underpants!

...Wait a second....these aren't Ed's...

Oh, EW.

-Dr Samantha Cole,
Hogwarts


Dear Samantha,

My brother gifted me with this cursed arm of incredible power. What should I do with it?

It's SCAR, damnit
Stalking State Alchemists in Central

Dear Scar,

Aside from detaching it and using it as a tennis racket or an exotic conversation piece, I recommend using it in everyday activities such as picking your nose and fondling teenage boys.

Dr Samantha Cole,
Still Slightly Squicked Swamp