"So," Alphonse said, crossing his legs and resting the clipboard against one knee, "You say you've dated difficult men before?"
The girl in front of the desk nodded, fingers tightening on her handbag. "I went out with 'Bruiser' Phillips before," she said and smiled. "I'm sure whoever you're paying me to date can't be that bad—"
"He's the Fullmetal Alchemist," Alphonse interrupted, tapping his pen against his clipboard. "Are you sure you're up to the task?"
"... How much is it, again?"
"Ten thousand cens per day," he said, "You will receive an extra thirty thousand if he lets you kiss him."
She blinked, startled, and then frowned thoughtfully down at her purse. "What if I don't succeed?" she said, somewhat helplessly, and Alphonse sighed. "I mean, I've heard rumours about him and I'm sure they're not true, but—-"
"What have you heard?" Alphonse asked absently, ticking the 'unsure—may bail when encountered with Brother's complete inability to relate to other human beings' box.
"Well... My friend Fiona said she tried to dance with him when you bought him to General Mustang's party last month, and he literally jumped out of the window—"
"Sprained his ankle, too," said Al, still not looking up from where he was scribbling 'has heard first hand reports of Brother's phobia of women' in the comments section.
"And I heard he fainted when he saw Colonel Hawkeye in a dress—"
"Said she was abruptly 'too feminine'," Alphonse replied, with a sigh. "And yes, the rumour about Jasmine Callahan being accused of poisoning his drink at that bar is right, as is the one about Sarah Sharpe being told she was attempting to 'seduce' him when she asked him if he liked the song the band were playing."
"Sarah said when she put a hand on his shoulder he turned white and fled," the girl replied, biting her lip.
"He doesn't do this all the time," Al replied, quickly. "I mean... last week, he let a girl touch him without much protest!"
And that girl was Winry, for automail repairs, he thought, and sighed. "Ma'am," he said, gently, "My brother is a very, uh, fragile soul, and women unnerve him. If you can decipher him, he will be very devoted and, uh, gentle."
She frowned, clasping and unclasping her bag nervously. "Is the rumour about the typing pool true?" she blurted, "The one about the bet they have going on?"
"... Yes, much to the envy of Roy Mustang," Alphonse said, and sighed. He'd spoken to the bloody typing pool already, and they'd refused to stop betting on Ed's remaining an eternal virgin. "Miss Chambers, are you or are you not going to take the job?"
"How many other candidates are there?" she asked, frowning.
"That's... not the question," Alphonse said quickly, "I just want to know—"
"... No thank you," Monica said, with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Mr Elric, but your brother is... well..."
Alphonse knew too well what she meant, and that was the problem. It wasn't like there were a shortage of girls who'd like him. Ed was gorgeous, even with bits missing, and despite his somewhat cantankerous nature he was surprisingly affectionate to those he trusted—Al couldn't go an hour without receive some sort of tackle-hug, it seemed.
There had to be someone, he mused a few hours later, notes spread out over the kitchen table and a cup of coffee cooling on top of Monica Chamber's application. Had to be someone who was brave enough to try—Winry refused to date him on the principle of 'I'd end of strangling him with his own hair, Al' which was a shame, because Ed felt perfectly at home with her. He'd thought about just hiring a prostitute, to help Ed work out some of his sexual aggression out of his system, but held off on the grounds that he was somewhat of a romantic, and he did kind of want Ed's first time to be special, but he was running out of options. Even hinting to his brother that maybe jacking off would help had failed—Ed probably refused to touch his own cock unless it was to take a piss, and Al had no idea how he managed.
It wasn't normal, that was for certain. Roy had proved invaluable in this—he'd gone to see the man several times while Ed was at work, and after shepherding his older brother outside and politely asking Riza Hawkeye to ensue that there would be no eavesdropping, they'd tried brainstorming several different ways to get Ed laid. Unfortunately, Roy's entire phonebook of previous dates had either turned Ed down, or been scared off by his brother's absolute fear of sex, and thus they came to a blank.
"I don't know what to suggest, Alphonse," Roy had said, with a frown, drumming gloved fingers on top of the number for Abigail Wolverson. "If I knew anything, I'd suggest it—your brother needs something soon, that's for certain."
"I know," Al had replied, weakly rubbing at his face. "I've even tried putting aphrodisiacs in his drink when I take him to the local bar with me, but all it does is make him squirm and stick even closer to me for the rest of the night—I'm running out of options. Sooner or later he's going to explode."
Roy gave him an odd look, and sighed. "It's becoming unsafe to send him on missions," he said, "Last time I did he threw an absolute fit over being separated from you, which is to expected, and complained even louder over being assigned a female state alchemist. She was an expert on the field; I'd expected him to put his... lack of a sex life behind him when it came to alchemy."
"He only lets Winry touch him, and I thought maybe he had a crush on her, and that was adorable, but.... well... no." Alphonse had leaned back in his chair and said, hopefully, "Maybe if I took him to strip-club or something? I could pass it off as a typical brother-thing..."
Roy had coughed into a gloved hand and said, "Don't worry about it, my subordinates have, um, already taken care of that."
"How did it go?" Alphonse had asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Not... well," Roy had sighed, and rearranged some paperwork on his desk. "He sat stock-still in his seat and apparently covered his eyes during the whole performance."
"You weren't there?"
"I... was in a different club at the time," Roy had said, and sighed. "Alphonse, are you sure he only lost his arm and leg? He's not missing... other parts as well?"
Al had shaken his head. "He's very shy about getting naked around me, but he's not missing anything," he said, and frowned. "I think his problem is that he finds sex and the parts involved in it... distasteful. I think he might just be asexual, like some sort of bloody amoeba."
But that can't possibly be true, he thought, and rubbed at his temples. He'd been observing his brother for the past week, now, trying to talk to him about girls and find out what he liked; so far, his results have been abysmal. Edward seemed to find girls unnerving, and didn't like talking about them with their clothes off; Alphonse had no idea how his older brother was ever going to get anywhere with anyone.
Unless, of course... well... Roy had tentatively suggested Ed might prefer boys to girls—abnormal, but it happened occasionally, and might explain his aversion to women. Alphonse privately hoped Ed's wasn't like that—two in one family would be disastrous, and anyway, he never had the problem with women Ed had, so it was probably just an Ed thing.
The front door opened, then, and Alphonse hastily gathered his notes up—stashed them under a top sheet, marked 'an essay on the development of literature from Romanovski's 'El Ballerina' to modern fictional works'—and was sitting at the table drinking his coffee when his brother came in, carrying the shopping in his hands and his hair bedraggled.
"Hey," he said, watching Ed put the bags on the kitchen counter and rub his antenna with both hands, getting it to stand up again. "Did you get everything?"
"Everything save the cucumber, yep," Edward replied, and yawned. "How's that essay going?"
"I think I've hit a dead end," Alphonse offered quickly, "I just can't see how to solve this question."
Ed shrugged. "I wish I could help, but I suck at books. You wanna help me unpack this stuff?"
"Sure," Al said, standing up and pushing the chair back in. "How was your day today?"
"Dull," Ed said with a snort, ramming the bread into the breadbin with enough force to squish it flat. "Roy kept looking at me oddly, though, so I think he's gonna try to give me another mission."
"You think it'll be out of Central?" Al asked, putting the paper-wrapped ham Ed had picked up in the fridge.
"Probably. Hope he doesn't choose my partner again this time—last time he picked this woman, right, with a massive... chest!" Ed scowled at Al, expression utterly indignant, and Al sighed and stuffed the vegetables in the fridge. "How unfair is that—who does he think I am, him?"
"You'd have to be able to at least talk to women before he'd confuse you, brother," Alphonse replied, shutting the fridge door and eyeing the magnetic letters on the front. "Did you do this?"
"Nope," Ed said without turning around, and Alphonse rolled his eyes and said, "You spelt 'Alphonse' wrong."
"I ran out of letters," Ed protested, and padded over to hook his chin over Al's shoulder, wrapping his arms around his little brother's middle. It was an intimate embrace, and Al could feel a blush starting; he carefully extracted himself from it and headed over the last of the bags, the meat in need of freezing.
Edward squirmed in the middle of the floor for a while, and then headed out into the hall to kick off his boots and coat; Al stuffed the ground beef into the freezer and then slammed the door, embarrassed at himself for acting like he had. Ed was his own brother, goddamnit, and though he needed to be thrown down and fucked thoroughly by someone, he was not the right person. He was already running a risk by thinking of his brother when he touched himself (twice daily, which explained why he got along with the world in general better than Ed did), there was no need to complicate it any more than that.
No, Ed needed a woman. A pretty woman, just as stubborn and obnoxious as his older brother, who would put up with all his faults and flaws and still love him. A healthy relationship—with regular sex—was just what Ed needed.
Maybe then Al could at least co-habitate with him without wanting to cause grievous bodily harm.
"I don't understand why I have to come," Ed complained as Al straightened his tie for him. "If Vanessa's one of your classmates, why do I have to come to dinner with you both?"
"You'll like her," Alphonse assured him, stepping back to eye his handiwork. "She's very pretty and very good at alchemy. Hmm, you look acceptable—let's go, Havoc agreed to be our chauffeur."
"Yes, but... Why can't I stay here and work on my paper? For my assessment?"
"You've been cooped inside the study for three days, brother," Al pointed out, mildly, "Going out will be good for you. Besides, you need to meet more women."
"Oh, not this again," Ed muttered, stuffing his hands inside his pockets. He did look very good, in the black suit, his hair tied up in a neat ponytail; Al bit his lip and shook his head, closing his fingers around his brother's automail arm and tugging him out the front door.
"Yes, this again," he said as he stuffed Ed into the back of the car. Jean removed the cigarette and cast Ed an appraising look; nodded and said, "You'd charm the pants off any girl tonight, boss."
"Yeah, but I want them to keep their pants on," Ed grumbled, budging up on the seat to make room for Alphonse.
"Hush," Al said firmly. "You're coming with me, and you are going to be nice to Vanessa, because she came all the way across the city to meet you. Like I said, you'll like her." You'd better, he thought, I'm paying her forty thousand cens for this.
Havoc chucked a cigarette butt out of the window and, when he was sure he had Al's attention in the rear-view mirror, mouthed 'good luck'.
'Thanks,' Al mouthed back, and sighed as his brother began picking at one of the buttons on his suit jacket.
The restaurant was an expensive one, in the city centre; Vanessa was waiting outside, dressed in a fabulous full-length purple evening dress. She'd obviously spent at least a quarter of the money on her appearance; Ed didn't seem to notice, checking his silver watch for the time, and then wincing when Al elbowed him in the side.
"Wow," Havoc muttered, behind them. "Boss, I'm gonna be just round the corner from here when you come out, okay?"
"Sure," Al replied, with a smile. "Thanks, Mr. Havoc. Come on, brother, let's go say hello."
They ended up with a seat in the corner of the restaurant, by the window in a booth rendered fairly private by careful placement of plants. Ed was polite—drew Vanessa's chair out for her before sitting, and Alphonse breathed a huge sigh of relief when they smiled at each other.
Well, he thought, that's further than anyone else has gotten so far.
Dinner proceeded relatively well; Vanessa and Al discussed one of the classes they shared, and thankfully it was on alchemy. Ed's table manners were fairly atrocious, but he improved once Alphonse stomped on his human foot a few times. When he wasn't shoveling food into his mouth far too fast, he was able to offer a few very acute observations; Alphonse could tell he'd mostly impressed Vanessa, who spent most of the meal smiling at him and fiddling around with her hair. "So," she said with a smile, "Do you have a girlfriend, Edward?"
Alphonse sighed and handed over his napkin as Ed went into a coughing fit, and Vanessa blinked, surprised. "Take that as a 'no'," the younger Elric advised her, and went back to eating his own meal, half the size of his sibling's.
Things went well—Ed insisted on paying the bill, which saved Al the hassle of doing so and impressed Vanessa more. It didn't start going wrong until they went outside to find Havoc; Alphonse opened the door of the car for his brother and he and Jean watched the two make their clumsy goodbyes.
"Goodbye, Edward," Vanessa said, blushing slightly, and offered him her hand; Ed shook it, and grinned at her.
"See you around," he said, but then frowned. "Although I should warn you in advance, I, uh, wouldn't date you, if that's what you're after. Your... chest... looks deformed."
Al smacked his palm into his forehead and swore bloody vengeance on his brother, and Vanessa, appalled, turned on her heel and ran off, clearly wounded. "So... Who's going to go after her?" Jean asked, hopefully; Al ignored him and grabbed his brother by the collar, pulling him up to meet his furious gaze.
"YOU," he snarled, "ARE AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT."
"W-what?" Ed protested, tugging at Al's grip, all gold-eyed confusion; Al just shook him a few times, hoping that maybe he'd break his neck. And die. Slowly.
"Anyone?" asked Jean, in the background.
"IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR THAT YOU BE NICE TO A WOMAN?!" Alphonse roared. "ARE YOU DELIBERATELY TRYING TO SCARE THEM OFF? YOU'RE DOING A DAMN GOOD JOB IF YOU ARE!"
"N-no-NO! STOP SHAKING ME!" Ed sputtered, hands closing around Al's wrists, and his brother let him down fuming. "I had a point—her... thingies looked odd—-"
"You are the last person who should make comments about physical deformities, brother," Al growled, eyes narrowed and furious.
"I'll go pick her up and take her home, then," Havoc offered. "I'm sure you guys can walk home, you only live about half an hour away...."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ed snarled, as Jean rolled the window shut.
"You're missing more bits than she is," Alphonse hissed, "And I bet she's not lacking hormone like you are, you freak."
"How am I lacking hormones?" Ed protested, as Havoc pulled away from the kerb. "I'm perfectly normal—"
"When was the last time you jerked off?" Al pointed out, finally releasing his brother's collar. "Or had a wet dream? Do you even get morning wood, brother?"
Ed sputtered, indignant, and Al sighed. "I love you, brother, but you're absolutely hopeless. I set you up on all these dates with women—-"
"Why me?" Ed complained, frowning. "Why not yourself? You don't date women either, does that make you some sort of freak?"
"Yes," Alphonse replied evenly, "But for a different reason."
"I don't get it," Ed said, eyebrows drawing together, and stepped back a bit. "Isn't that a bit hypocritical?"
"I don't like women, brother," Alphonse said with a shrug, and Ed scowled.
"Me neither, I don't get it—-"
Al sighed and reached out, pulling his brother closer, and bent down to whisper into his ear, "I don't like women in a sexual sense, brother. I prefer men."
"... Is that even possible?" Ed asked, with a frown, and drew back; Al snorted and shook his head.
"I give up on you, brother," he said, gently. "well, for today, at least. Now let's just go ho—-"
"... Where did Havoc go?" Ed asked, peering around him.
"... and Katherine, Louise, Jessica and Katrina got no further than Vanessa," Alphonse complained. "He seemed to genuinely like Amber, but then it turned out Amber preferred me, and I'm, uh, unavailable. Susan and Davina were total write-offs, and he made Anne cry."
"That's... an impressive list, Alphonse," Roy said with a sigh. "How about Dianne?"
"That was one of the dates I didn't go with him for," he said. "I figured having me around constantly might be affecting him, so I arranged a total of five dates for him to go on unsupervised."
"... He didn't show up, did he," Roy said, and rubbed at his face with both hands.
"Yeah. Vice versa for Cassie, she'd heard too many stories, and he insisted on taking Sally on a tour of the library for their date. Mary managed to kiss him, though, from what I could gather when he came back home, totally shaken up. It's like he's allergic to women."
"Maybe he really does prefer men?" Roy offered, gently. "It seems increasingly likely, especially if Mary's kissing him managed only to distress him."
"No, I'm sure he's not," Al said, quashing the doubt—Ed couldn't be like that, he just couldn't—and sighed. "I'm running out of options, Roy. I don't know what to do now. You know that before, the typing pool were split over their bet? Half of them were betting on brother being a virgin forever, the other half bet against and were trying to seduce him for the money. Now they're all betting on him being an eternal virgin, and I'm thinking of agreeing with them."
Roy leaned back in his chair, running his hands through his hair, and then sighed. "I don't know what to suggest, Alphonse. How has he been behaving recently?"
"Funny," Al replied immediately. "He won't stay in the same room as me for very long. I don't think he's masturbating yet, but I hope he will given enough time and hints.
"Well..." Alphonse blushed. "I arranged to be a certain somewhere, uh, giving a practical demonstration when he was due to come home from work."
"Oh?" Roy asked, amused. "Did it work?"
"He just blushed and run upstairs, and wouldn't come back down until the next morning," Alphonse grumbled, and Roy gave him a long, speculative look.
"I see..." the older man said to himself, and leaned forward again, picking up a piece of paper. "Well, Alphonse," he said, softly, "I can recommend a girl who may succeed, if you want. There is, however, a complication..."
"Which is?" Alphonse asked, unnerved by that look, and fidgeted on Roy's couch.
"She charges by the hour," Roy said pleasantly. "She's very good, though, and her rates are comparatively cheap."
"You want me to hire a whore for my brother?" Alphonse said, aghast; Roy shook his head, and said, "She prefers the term 'call-girl'. Do you think your brother needs it? She'll take him on dates, if you want."
"Well... she won't be offended when he inadvertently insults her physique?" Al questioned, frowning. "I'd just... I'd rather there was some spark of something there, for my brother's sake."
Roy merely raised his eyebrows, and Alphonse sighed and crunched himself up in his seat. "You call her, then," he muttered.
She met them at the restaurant—the same one they'd gone to with Vanessa, six months ago; Vanessa was now engaged to Jean Havoc, and while Al was happy for the man, he hoped this encounter wouldn't end up the same way. Marie Suzannah was a tall woman, well-tanned, dark-haired and extremely attractive, Al assumed, for straight men; she shook his hand confidently and then Ed's, who seemed utterly bewildered by her.
"This is Marie, brother," Al tried, and she smiled; Ed's expression did not change.
Marie seemed utterly undisturbed by Ed's complete lack of conversation during dinner, and kept making an effort to converse with him; she had a husky voice, the sort of voice one expected from phone-sex operators, and Ed seemed utterly immune to it.
"So, Edward," she said, taking a sip of her wine and holding the stem of the glass in a deliberately sexy manner, "I hear you are an alchemist?"
"Yeah," Ed said around a mouthful of sausage, and Al resisted the urge to slam his head into his plate and instead downed his own glass of wine in a few seconds. "Why, do you do alch'my too?"
"Oh, no," Marie protested with a smirk, "I am rather untalented in that particular department."
"Shame," Ed replied, shrugging, and wolfed down his vegetables. Al kicked him hard in the leg and winced as his foot connected with the automail; made do with calling for a waiter and asking for more wine, please.
Conversation continued on these grounds until surprisingly late at night, when the three of them left the restaurant; Alphonse was by then very, very drunk, and gratefully used Ed's shoulder to help him stand. Marie held out a gloved hand for her money while Ed, released from crutch-duty, was round the corner attempting to flag down a taxi; Al slapped the money into her hand and asked her—twice, his speech was hopelessly slurred—if she thought she could get his brother to fuck her.
"Not without a few more dates, Mr. Elric," she said softly as Ed came back.
"The taxi's waiting, Al," he said brightly. "Er, goodbye Marie, I'm sure we'll see you—"
"Tom'r'w," Al said, grabbing at his brother as he attempted to follow him and fell over his own feet. "T'morr'w, six o'clock here. An' I say you'd better be warn'd, he's scared off all th' others. Totally r'pressed. Needs t' get fucked before he dies, 'kay?"
"What?" Ed demanded, crossly; Al clung to him and nuzzled his neck possessively.
"Love you," he murmured. "Fav' br'ther. Le'ss go 'ome. Need t' be sick."
"Honestly," Ed said, with a touching smile that most of the girls who had tried to date him had never seen, "I can't take you anywhere." He ruffled Al's hair with one hand, and helped his baby brother stagger over to a gutter to be noisily sick into.
Al thankfully did not get anywhere near as drunk on the next date with Marie, or the one after. She seemed to be denting his brother, in that Ed stopped treating her like her breasts were going to jump out of her dress and gnaw his ears off; Al hoped this was, for Ed, a sign of love.
The final day came nearly a year after his brother had insulted poor Vanessa; Al gave Marie her fee, and asked the typical question—if Ed was ready to be fucked—and to his surprise, she said 'yes'. "I've made an awful lot of progress with him," she said, smiling. "I can do it now, if you'd like..."
"N-n-no," Al replied, startled, "I-I need to discuss it with his commanding officer. Another date tomorrow should, uh, be sufficient. I'll call you if there's a change of plans."
She sighed, and raised her eyebrows. "Of course, Alphonse," she said, and tilted her head to one side. "Is there anybody in Ed's life who doesn't know about this plan?"
"No, only me and Gener-Fuhrer Mustang," Al retorted quickly. "Everyone else has noticed his, uh, sexual frustration, though."
"... Well, it does rather stand out," she noted, and smiled. "All right, I shall see you tomorrow, then."
Roy, of course, thought it was about time. "I did wonder why someone named Marie came into HQ early this morning and bet against the typing pool," he said, with a sigh. "Looks like someone's going to come out of this much richer than she started off as."
"Not me," Al muttered, "She's expensive. Good thing I have full access to brother's accounts, I suppose."
Roy smiled, and snapped his fingers, incinerating the memo about Marie to cinders. "Are you going to supervise this, too?"
"Do you think it's necessary?" Al asked, biting his lip. "I mean... I don't particularly want to see my brother having sex with a woman, if you know what I mean—"
"Indeed," Roy replied smoothly, raising his eyebrows slightly at which part of the sentence Alphonse had chosen to emphasis, but otherwise drawing no attention to it. "Your brother needed you to demonstrate what to do when a woman tries to kiss you, running away screaming not being the correct option."
"... I guess," Al conceded, squirming at the thought of being forced to watch Ed having sex—beautiful, so beautiful, and he'd have to sit on a chair some distance away and writhe, hoping both participants were too busy to notice his hard-on. Damn, most normal men didn't arouse him the same way his brother did. He sighed, and stood, twitching a fold of his coat over his groin; Roy waved goodbye, and demanded a report after the act had been performed.
Marie was unsurprised when he called her up and told her he'd have to voyeur—in fact, seemed to welcome having a witness there, as she could probably use it to her own advantage. Alphonse wondered how much she'd make from the whole typing pool when Ed had been, for lack of a better word, de-virginated.
"Would you like to get involved and make it a threesome?" she asked, and Alphonse paled at the mere thought; hastily reassured her that voyeuring was sufficient. His brother knew he didn't like women—the reason for his erection would then be obvious.
And so the day arrived; Edward was a little confused by the way Al exhorted him to scrub himself up extra-thoroughly everywhere before getting dressed, assuming it was one of the by-then routine dates; complained when Alphonse fussed over his dress in minute detail, like it was the date with Vanessa all over again. "Al, knock it off," he bitched, as the younger Elric re-brushed and re-tied his hair for the fifth time, "I can look after myself."
"I doubt it," Alphonse told him grimly, straightening his jacket.
"If you're that distressed, why don't we call it off?" Ed offered brightly. "Just stay home together, for once. You and me. Come on, that doesn't seem so bad now, does it?" He offered a hopeful grin, and Alphonse gave him a scathing look in return.
There was a knock on the door, and Al sighed; whatever happened, he knew he wasn't going to forget this night so easily. Behind him, Ed attempted to stuff his hands into the opposing sleeve and create a seamless ring of fabric with his arms, like one of those ornamental Xingian dresses; Alphonse resisted the urge to hit him, and opened the door to their driver.
Alphonse didn't order much for dinner, although Ed ordered as much as usual. Marie ate only a salad, and spent most of the meal watching Edward through narrow, thoughtful eyes; the silence around their table made Alphonse squirm, though Ed proceeded to eat right through it without any sign of concern. Alphonse couldn't help but wonder if this was okay—his brother could bail any time he chose, there was no force involved—but still, he felt vaguely guilty for ensuring that his brother's first time would be with a call-girl.
Still, if it enabled Ed to unwind a little, and be somewhat more tolerable, Alphonse supposed he couldn't complain too much. He would be firm and insistent, and keep a careful eye out for Edward.
The waiter delivered their bill—Al paid it without looking too closely, it was all Edward's money anyway—and eyed the two of them, cautiously; Marie was dabbing at her mouth with a napkin, and his brother was checking the time on his silver watch, squirming in his seat.
Their driver was waiting for them outside—blinked at Marie and grinned, but didn't say anything, merely opened the door for Ed and she to climb in. Al took the front passenger seat, folding his hands tightly in his lap; in the back, Ed folded one leg over another and leaned forward, grinning, to tap at Al's shoulder. "Hey, Al, why's she coming home with us?" he asked, eyes bright and curious, and Al coughed and looked away.
"You'll see, I'm sure," Marie remarked, her voice very soft, and looked out of the window.
"I have no idea," Al replied, and smacked himself with his hand. Dear God, he thought, save me from murdering my sibling..
It was an uncomfortable car trip—Al was so tense it hurt, and Marie was watching him in the rear-view mirror; even the driver seemed unusually solemn, while Ed looked out the window and whistled tunelessly to himself, before beginning to recite the elements in the periodic table, one by one, and count them out on his fingers.
It was almost a relief to see the lights of their home; Al gave Ed the keys while he tipped the driver in order to ensure the man would mention nothing about he being present when the Fullmetal Alchemist dated a women, as was customary. Ed unlocked the door and let Marie go in first, then held it open for Al; they hung up their coats and kicked their shoes off, then Alphonse assured his brother and Marie upstairs, into Edward's bedroom, before grabbing a chair from the dining room and following them.
He found Edward sitting cross-legged on the bed, Marie standing by the bookcase; he shut the door and stuck the chair in the way, straddling it backwards. "Brother," he said quietly, and Ed swallowed.
"Alphonse," he whispered, licking his lips.
"You're going to get fucked," Alphonse told him, and then clamped both of his hands over his mouth, horrified at his wording, even as Marie gave a short burst of loud laughter.
Edward gulped and grinned weakly. "I thought it, er, might be that," he said, and sighed. "I'm not stupid."
"Could've fooled me," Alphonse muttered, and said out loud, "Marie's a professional—you scared away all the nice girls, brother. I'm here to make sure you don't try and run out the window again."
"I won't," Ed replied, with all the dignity and poise of a man about to die. "Just... make sure nothing nasty happens, okay?"
"Like what?" Al responded, annoyed. "Her breasts aren't going to spontaneously try to eat you whole, brother. This is exactly the type of thing which drove me to this—you're too tense. Now strip."
Ed sighed and shrugged off his suit jacket, dropping it in a heap besides his bed; Marie peeled off her evening gown, kicking her high heels off and pulling the straps of her bra off her shoulders. Ed swallowed and unbuttoned his shirt, revealing scarred, gorgeous skin beneath it; Alphonse inhaled sharply and closed his eyes for a few seconds, clearing his mind as much as he could.
When he opened them, Marie was easing her underwear down her legs; Edward was blushing furiously and kicking off his trousers. He was wearing light blue boxers beneath them, and from what Al could see, appeared to be utterly flaccid. Not a good start, but from what Roy had said, Marie could take care of that problem easily. His older brother's blush increased as the call-girl unclasped her bra; she was certainly blessed in the chest department, and her breasts bounced slightly as she padded towards Edward and the bed.
"Take your boxers off, brother," Al remarked, quietly.
"Oh! Um, sure," Ed said, with a nervous grin, and slowly eased them off his hips. This done, he covered his genitals with both hands; Al rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he hadn't seen Ed's cock before, oh no (or that he'd been jerking off to thoughts of it for a long time now). "Um... now what?"
"Touch Marie's breasts and kiss her?" Al offered. "Just take your hands away from your crotch, that'd be a good start."
Ed closed his eyes and reluctantly lifted his hands, then reached out, vaguely, for Marie's boobs. The tip of one finger brushed a nipple, and he squeaked and withdrew; Marie sighed and rolled her eyes at Al, who pillowed his cheek on one hand. "Brother," he said, patiently. "They're just tits."
"I—I don't know who taught you this vulgar language, but I'm gonna fucking kill them if I survive this," Ed retorted, opening one eye and shutting it again when it was once again confronted with the sight of naked boobies.
"Here," Marie snapped, grabbing his hands and forcing them to cup her breasts. "That's not so hard, now, is it? Now kiss me."
Ed yelped and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't release him; he turned an imploring look to Alphonse in its stead, and Al merely glared. "Kiss her, brother," he growled, through gritted teeth. "It's really not so hard."
"I don't know how," Ed whimpered, and Al snorted.
"You're a genius, you figure it out. You put your lips on hers—not hard, brother. Especially not for someone as clever as you."
"... But... breasts..." Ed whined hopelessly, and Al sighed and stood up.
"Look," he said, climbing up onto the bed next to Ed, "It's really very easy. I know how to kiss a woman, and I've never done it before." Marie dropped Ed's hands, and Al cupped her breasts with his own hands and leaned in to kiss her; she was not bad, for his first kiss, but she was female and therefore he supposed she didn't really count. Ed was watching, mouth a perfect 'o'; when they parted he frowned, eyebrows drawing down, and demanded, "What was that for?"
"Hah, I knew you wanted a threesome really," Marie said with a grin.
"Instruction only, I'm afraid," Alphonse replied, leaning back and wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "You clearly needed it."
"I did not!" Ed protested, inflating indignantly like a cat, "Not enough that I needed you to demonstrate!"
"Yes, you did," Alphonse replied, sighing, "You clearly suck at kissing."
"Now you're getting childish. If you knew how to kiss, you'd've kissed Marie."
"Yeah, but..." Ed gave her a hopeless glance, and Alphonse gestured at her.
"Go on, then," he said, quietly, and Ed scowled. "Demonstrate. If you know how to kiss someone, prove it."
"Fine!" Ed snapped, and Marie leaned forward and closed her eyes, to make it a little easier for him. Ed gulped and licked his lips; bobbed his head towards her a couple of times, then backed off and shook his head.
"Go on," Alphonse repeated, putting a hand on his brother's back. "Be bold, brother, I'm sure you can do it. Show me your kissing skills."
And before he knew it he had an armful of his brother, Ed's mouth jammed against him, hard; he allowed himself to be literally bowled over by the sheer force of Ed, utterly caught off guard.
Marie sat back, opening her eyes, and sighed as Alphonse started kissing back, pawing hungrily at his brother's naked back. "You should've warned me the pair of you had brother issues," she muttered, scowling, as Ed began to thrust against Alphonse's thigh, aroused and hungry for something he hadn't really known existed.
"Brother," Alphonse gasped in between kisses to Ed's throat, nipping at sensitive skin; neither of them noticed a fully-dressed Marie leaving, Ed's boxers stuffed in her handbag so she could collect on her bet. She doubted either of the two would be too eager to correct the typing pool on the truth of the matter.
Behind her, Alphonse was being divested of his own clothing, Ed eager to touch; the two were thrusting against each other, gasping and groaning.
"I guess—uh!—you do know what to—ah—do after all," Al whispered as his older brother's flesh fingers closed gently around his hard cock.
"Do you remember when Marie left?" Ed asked a few hours later, leaning against the bathroom door as inside Al brushed his teeth vigorously. "'cause she wasn't there after I came the first time—"
"—All over my face, my clothes, and your bed," Al interjected sourly from inside the bathroom. "I don't even want to know whether or not come washes out of linen."
"I did suggest the floor?" Ed offered, sheepishly, and wriggled his toes. "Anyway, so did you notice her leaving?"
"Can't say I did," Alphonse muttered over the sounds of extreme tooth-brushing, "Ugh, I'm not doing that again."
"Aww, really?" Ed frowned, drumming his fingers on his knee. "Does semen really taste that bad?"
"Yes," Al spat. "You can give me the next blowjob if you think it doesn't."
"Sure," Ed replied, cheerfully. "How about now?"
The door opened behind him and he nearly fell backwards; caught himself with his automail hand and glanced up at his baby brother. Al wore a towel around his hips, having needed a shower to rid himself of the bodily fluids Ed had left all over him; the elder Elric smiled up at him hopefully and allowed his gaze to wander downwards, cock visibly stiffening again as he drank in the sight of Al's exposed skin.
"Not again," Al protested, offering Ed a hand to help himself up with. "Brother, the male body shouldn't be able to come as many times as you have in one day."
"Sex is good," Ed said with a grin, accepting the hand and climbing to his feet. "I don't know why I didn't discover it sooner."
"Because you're a repressed nutter," Al muttered, and sighed, allowing the towel to drop. "Okay, but if you come all over me again, I'm going to kill you. Where do-?"
"Here," Ed replied, and dropped to his knees.
"H-hey, brother!" Al yelped as Ed pushed him back against the wall, putting his hands on either side of Al's hips; his older brother grinned up at him and leaned forward to lick at his cock, apparently not finding the taste as revolting as Al had thought his own had been.
"Brother..." Alphonse gasped, his cock thickening as it grew harder, Edward lapping at it with an expression of pure smug satisfaction; reached up to card his fingers through the wiry bronze curls nestled around the base, down to play with his balls—god, he'd come twice already, he didn't think he could get it up again for the third time in only six hours, but he was apparently wrong. "Just don't bite," he warned, and Ed huffed indignantly.
"I won't," his older brother promised, rolling his eyes, and kissed the tip; Alphonse gasped, hips twitching, and slammed his back against the wall. "Keep still," Ed said briefly, distracted; sucked lightly on the crown and cupped Al's balls in his palms, rolling them very gently.
"Brother!" Al hissed, grinding his teeth and thumping the back of his head against the wall; Ed's mouth and Ed's hands were on him, on him finally and oh God, it was so much better than whacking off on his bed; his brother sucked again and broke off to lick down his length, hands doing some very sinful things and he was coming into his brother's face, Ed left looking stunned before hastily cleaning everything up with his tongue and hands.
Al slid down to the floor, panting softly, and Ed eyed him cautiously; lowered himself a little and rocked against Al's shin, expression hopeful, and was drawn into a spine-crushing embrace. "Love you," Al murmured, softly, and kissed his sibling's ear. Ed writhed, attempting to extract himself from the embrace or at least get a hand down his pants, but Al wasn't have any of it, and nuzzled the side of his brother's neck happily.
"—Even if you're a sexually repressed, stubborn, irritating little git sometimes. Still love you."
"... Did you just call me little?" Ed demanded, mind drawn, for once in the past few hours, away from his erection.
"No. Shut up, trying to be sappy." Al kissed the line of Ed's jaw and throat, and made a sound similar to purring. "I've wanted you for so long, you know..."
"Uh, me too," Ed replied, tugging at Al's grip and when that failed, attempted to place one of Al's hands over his groin. Al scowled, refusing to move, and cuddled his older brother firmly.
"I don't get it, brother," he said, quietly. "If you liked... me... what was your deal with women?"
Ed made a vague gesture, or at least attempted to, and then shrugged. "I didn't appreciate being constantly hit on," he said softly, "Not when you were so close."
"And here I thought it was just that you didn't know what this was for," Al teased, finally reaching to cup Ed; his older brother gasped, and thrust into his hand. "Did you honestly never wank?"
"I... I tried not to," Ed murmured, shaking as he attempted to buck into the contact, "I felt... guilty about it. I... pleasured myself a few times, though."
"... And you felt even guiltier afterwards, right?" Al asked, and sighed. "I guess it's a good thing I took it on myself to look out for you, then."
Ed squirmed and grunted, baring his teeth. "Look, I don't see why you worried so much about my sex-life," he muttered, "Seems you were pretty starved yourself, and I know you got off on a regular basis, I'd hear you from my room."
"You could?" Al sputtered, horrified, and blushed heavily despite himself; Ed grinned, and finally managed to gain some leverage to thrust into Al's hand.
"Yeah," Ed said with a wicked grin. "That got me good. Some nights I couldn't sleep, I was so hard. Felt too guilty to jerk off, though, you were my baby brother."
"... So I was making you worse?" Al asked, and his brother nodded once, solemnly.
"'fraid so," he said, and shrugged. "Don't worry about it, it's all in the past, eventually I got used to attempting to sleep with a killer hard-on.."
"I am so sorry," Al murmured, feeling utterly guilty. "How can I make it up to you?"
He didn't notice Ed's slow smirk, and might have been less sympathetic if he had; Ed licked his lips and thrust into his hand, and said softly, "I think you could try helping me make up for lost time."
"... And then he said 'you can't be the Fullmetal Alchemist, you're too short,'" Ed grumped, sprawled over the arm of the couch; Roy raised his eyebrows at his subordinate and glanced back down at the report.
"So what did you do to him?" the older man prompted, quietly. Ed snorted and shrugged, sitting upright again.
"I showed him my silver watch and asked again for a room for the night," he said, "No point shouting at him, it was an honest mistake, I suppose."
There was a ringing silence, and Roy dropped his pen. Even Hawkeye, standing behind her commanding officer, looked utterly caught off-guard; everyone present was gazing at Edward like he'd grown a third head, save for Al, who'd witnessed it personally and had gotten to boggle on-site.
"... So, Alphonse, I see your scheme worked," Roy said, shaken, and Al smiled softly.
"You could say that, sir," he said, reaching out and brushing one of Ed's bangs behind his ear, "You could say that indeed."