It had been a terrible mistake, and one which Edward would probably regret for the rest of his life. When he wasn't sniggering evilly about it.
He'd been fresh off the train from West City, report in hand. Tired, disheveled, hungry and now sick, he'd planned to hand his report to that Smirking Bastard and get to sleep in tomorrow morning.
Fate, it seemed, had other plans in store.
He'd stomped into the outer office, dark circles under his eyes attesting to his foul mood. Nobody moved to stop him or even speak to him, save Hawkeye, who took one look at his face and told him the General was free for now, but could he make it quick? Edward growled a reply and kicked the door open, waving the report as he did so.
He then closed the door very, very carefully behind him, clearing his throat loudly.
Mustang jumped back from the couch, cheeks flushed, and quickly wiped a hand over his mouth.
Ed smirked at him, and flung the report across the room. It spun as it flew, excess papers spilling out and over the floor, and the report Roy caught was just a slim folder. Before the man could open his mouth to complain, Edward stalked towards him.
Alphonse blinked blearily up at his big brother from the couch, pants opened. "Where'dRoygo?" He managed, then, as his vision cleared and he recognized Edward, winced.
Roy held up his hands in a pacifying gesture, allowing the report to slip onto the floor. "This isn't how it looks," he said, with what was probably meant to be a soothing grin.
Ed narrowed his eyes. "Not how it looks? It looks like you just gave my brother oral sex, you BASTARD!" He bought his hands together, ready to clap, and Roy edged behind his desk. He cast a wary glance at his gloves, lying on the floor by Al's feet, and hoped Fullmetal's younger brother could calm him down. "You took his virginity—give me ONE good reason why I shouldn't KILL you!"
"Brother! He didn't take my virginity!" Alphonse snapped, sounding more lucid and attempting to look more dignified as he fastened his pants again. Ed turned very slowly towards him, and the look on his face was truly scary. Alphonse eeped and tried to backtrack. "I mean, he did," he said helplessly. "Just not... this time?"
Edward bought his hands together, and the blade he transmuted his automail into was a damn sight more serrated and blunt than normal. "I am going to kill you," he said dreamily. "How long?"
Roy began to pray to whichever deity looked after alchemists as Alphonse looked thoughtful and eventually said, "Two years?"
"You are so dead, bastard," Ed said, still in that dreamy tone, and took a step forwards.
He took one look at Fullmetal's face, abandoned his prayers, and fled through the office window. Ed screamed a wordless death threat and took after him, swiping with his automail and beginning to laugh maniacally.
Alphonse watched them go and bit his lip. Roy was a very athletic man, but his brother was more so, and what's more, Edward was well and truly pissed. As the door to the outer office opened, he scooped Roy's gloves off the floor and solemnly held them out to Riza Hawkeye, frowning as he said, "Roy told me he never wanted 'Taps' played at his funeral."