Edward Elric stomped into Roy Mustang's office, his brother a step behind him. At a signal from Ed, Alphonse closed the door and locked it firmly behind them.
Roy arched an eyebrow at this behaviour and waited for either boy to say something. Ed strode over to the desk and leaned on it, bending down to face Mustang eye to eye.
"Kiss me," he demanded peremptorily.
Roy inhaled and swallowed at the same time and spent the next few minutes choking. By the time he'd recovered, Ed was regarding him with a dubious expression.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," he murmured.
"What did you say?" Roy demanded.
"I said, kiss me," Ed repeated. "Well? Come on!"
Roy got a hold of himself. "Fullmetal, have you taken leave of your senses?"
"You're not co-operating," Ed complained. "Just kiss me already."
"Al wants to know how."
At the back of the room, Alphonse blushed and ducked his head.
Roy resisted the urge to throw both boys forcibly out of his office and drew a deep breath before asserting himself to take control of the situation.
"Perhaps if you could take it from the beginning?"
Ed sighed and closed his eyes. He'd really been hoping to just get into the office, do the deed, and get away again, but now that Mustang wanted answers...
"Alphonse wants to kiss Winry after their date tonight," he explained. "But he's never kissed anyone before and isn't sure how to do it, and he wants it to be perfect." Ed managed to make this sound like a crime. "I don't know to go about kissing people either, so we thought about it and figured you were probably the most knowledgeable guy around for that sort of thing. But Al wants it to be a shared first kiss with Winry, so he can't kiss you. I don't care about that sort of mushy thing, so we figured that if you demonstrated how it was done while Al watched, that would work fine."
"On YOU?" Roy was having difficulty following the logic of this argument.
Ed bristled. "Well it certainly can't be on Winry! What's the matter? I'm not GOOD enough for you?"
"Or maybe you're too intimidated by me?"
"It's not like that, I..."
"I told you he was all talk," Ed interrupted again, turning back to his brother. "We should have gone to Havoc first. Or maybe Hughes. He's married, so he must have done some kissing at SOME point."
"Maybe you're right," Al said softly. "Do you think we can catch him if we head over there now?"
Ed glanced at the time. "If we hurry. Oh well, see you later Mustang."
"Hold it right there," Roy's voice snapped like a whip. "Sit down, both of you."
Both boys looked at each other dubiously, then obeyed.
Roy steepled his hands before his face and gazed at Edward. "So, to summarise, you want ME to kiss YOU so that ALPHONSE can give WINRY the perfect first kiss?" he said, his eyebrows quirked. "I'm not sure whether I should be flattered or insulted."
"I don't care which one," Ed said grumpily. "Will you do it or not? We're on a clock here."
Roy paused and considered the situation, gazing intently at Fullmetal and taking a certain amount of pleasure in making him squirm as he did so.
"WELL?!" Ed finally demanded, face red.
Roy took a deep breath. "Very well."
"Yay!" Al cheered, and then stopped abruptly as his brother shot a glare at him.
Roy got to his feet and unbuttoned his collar, "Come over here, Fullmetal."
He looked down as the younger man clambered to his feet and approached.
"Hmmm... Alphonse, could you bring in the small stool from the outer office please?"
Ed began to steam, "Are you implying that I'm SHORT?"
"I'm merely trying to recreate the same situation that Al will face with Winry," Roy said pleasantly. "Besides, what makes you come to the conclusion that the stool is for you to stand on?"
Ed spluttered uselessly at this until Al returned with the stool, once again locking the door behind him.
"After you," Roy said, gesturing politely.
Angrily, Ed clambered onto the stool and glared at Roy. STILL not tall enough, damn it!
Roy smiled lazily at the rage in Fullmetal's eyes, now at the same height as his chin. "That will do nicely. You're roughly this much taller than Miss Rockbell, are you not Alphonse?"
Al nodded cheerfully and Ed glared, muttering something about "little brothers are supposed to be LITTLE, damnit!".
Roy looked at Alphonse, "Now watch what I do and pay careful attention Alphonse, I'm only doing this once."
"Damn right you're only doing it once!" Ed growled. "Al, quit blushing and watch!"
Alphonse nodded and directed his full attention at the two of them.
Roy settled both hands on Ed's shoulders and leaned down. "Now, THIS is an appropriate first kiss."
He angled his head slightly and approached Ed's face, careful to avoid bumping noses, then reared back again.
"Close your eyes Fullmetal."
Ed huffed angrily. "Fine. You'd better keep watching, Al! Warn me if he tries anything funny."
Reluctantly he closed his eyes.
Roy kept his open until just before his lips met Fullmetal's and pressed gently down. He stayed there a for a couple of seconds, holding his breath, before carefully disengaging with a very gentle "pop".
Ed let out a long sigh as Roy stepped back, and promptly crimsoned, hands slapping over his cheeks in an attempt to hide the incriminating blush. Roy smirked.
"Did you get that Alphonse? Or do you need a repeat?"
"No..." Al said, his eyes sparkling. "That's alright, I understand. Oh brother, that was so sweet!"
"Sh-shut up..." Ed stammered, trying to control himself. "I... I..."
Roy stepped up to him again a wicked smile on his face.
"And THIS," he said as both boys blinked at him. "Is a completely INAPPROPRIATE first kiss."
Alphonse gasped as Roy grabbed Ed and pinned the smaller man's body against his. One hand tangled in his hair to keep his head in place as Roy enthusiastically locked their lips together, the other stroked down Ed's back and held him tightly. Ed, still a little stunned, opened his mouth to protest. This gave Roy the perfect opportunity to slip his tongue inside. Tongues battled and teeth scraped as he invaded the Fullmetal Alchemist's mouth, breathing harshly through his nose as he left no place unexplored. Before Ed could recover, Roy withdrew and disengaged from the kiss with a loud sucking noise, as he reluctantly released Ed's lower lip.
Al's eyes were bugged out and his jaw hung open slackly as Roy carefully manoeuvred his shocked brother off the stool and towards him.
"Good luck with Winry tonight," Roy said as he hurriedly unlocked the door and pushed the still-stunned boys out of his office. "Remember what I've shown you, and use this knowledge well."
He slammed the door behind them just as Ed sucked in a huge breath of air, and grinned at the clearly-audible shriek of rage as his actions finally registered on the stunned boy. Hopefully Al and the others would be able to hold him back, but just in case...
Roy headed for the window, hearing the door shake behind him.
"Thus with a kiss I die," he murmured.
A wide grin spread across his face.
"But what a way to go!"
"Brother... Winry and I have been talking, and we think we're ready to have sex."
"Don't even think it, Al."