Hawkeye was the first to spot them when they arrived to make their mission report at the Eastern Headquarters.
"Aha," said Hawkeye, with an unnatural glint in her eye. "You're officially recruited, Fullmetal, Alphonse-kun."
"What?" replied Ed.
"Be at the auditorium at 0300, Fullmetal," said Hawkeye, and then barked "Lieutanant!"
The man passing at the end of the corridor took one look at her and fled. Hawkeye abandoned the brothers and went after him with Grim Purpose.
"What was all that about, niisan?" said Al, while Ed just shrugged.
Precisely at 0300, Hawkeye nudged the entirety of the Colonel's office staff into the auditorium not unlike a sheepdog herding sheep, except she did hers at gunpoint.
"You could have roped in the typing pool instead, they moon over the Colonel all the time." complained Havoc, sotto voce. He looked up innocently at the ceiling when she gave him a piercing stare.
"What's this all about?" Edward demanded.
"It is an event to be held, Full-metal," Farman informed him, "a display of Eastern HQ's wit, talent and lasting trauma. Every year, the Eastern Headquarters has an annual charity event, with the proceeds going to poor orphans."
"It sounds like fun," chirped Al.
"Not to any orphanages in Aquaroya, I hope," said Ed with deep suspicion.
"Not that I know of," Farman said.
"Gentleman," interrupted Hawkeye. "As you are aware, we will be hosting our annual charity event. Our commanding officer drew straws with the best of them and received the short straw."
She stared grimly at them all. "The responsibility therefore, falls upon us to raise funds for poor little orphans in the East Quarter."
"His straw, his problem," said Ed. "I need to make my mission report." He slid off the seat he was perched on and made his way to the door.
Hawkeye's hand landed with a kind of fatalistic finality on his shoulder.
"You're not getting away, Full Metal," she told him. "You report to Colonel Mustang too. That means, you must do your duty too."
"It could be worse," Fury chimed in. "Last year the unit that picked the short straw did Swan Lake. Armstrong volunteered to train them."
There was a pause as a collective shudder went around.
"For our sanity and our country, Full Metal," said Hawkeye solemnly.
"What about a play?"
"What kind of play?"
"Dunno, but so long as it doesn't involve tights and dancing, I'd do it."
"What about one of those fairy tale things, like Rapunzel?"
Everyone paused to allow imagination to roll imaginary reels.
"NO! GO AWAY!"
"But my love, what of all our promises?"
"I DON'T KNOW YOU! I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!" Ed (Rapunzel-hime) bawled.
"You shouldn't be so mean to the Prince, Full—I mean, Rapunzel-hime." Fury (Bodyguard One) yells below.
"Yeah, go for it your majesty!" Breda (BodyGuard Two) cheers.
"SHUT UP! YOUR PRINCE HAS A BLOODY HAIR FETISH! HE'S A BLOODY PERVERT!"
"And he's not afraid to admit it!" adds Havoc (Bodyguard Three) below.
"You do have beautiful hair," Roy (Prince) points out.
"YOU'RE TRESPASSING ON PRIVATE PROPERTY! GO AWAY! AND STOP TOUCHING MY HAIR!"
"Darling, I understand perfectly if you don't ever want to leave the tower," Roy says earnestly, still making his way up. "When we get married, we can have a bedroom up in the tallest tower of the castle, and no one will ever know you're short."
"I think," said Hawkeye firmly, raising her voice, as Al clung onto Ed's legs as deadweight, "We'll just stick to something simple this year, like a ball."