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Envy really hoped that the others would do their damned jobs tonight. Otherwise, he might have to get messy.

Sure, sure, killing humans was fun and all, but Envy always got so tired of getting shot, cut open, blown apart, having to turn into dogs and kids and every other damned thing, crawling through dirty pipes, getting his clothes torn, getting his hair stained with blood and having to transform it away, waiting for ages and ages and not getting anything accomplished, being bored to tears, having to pretend to be a mundane damned dirty human, and perhaps worst of all, receiving catcalls and whistles from this lousy good-for-nothing inferior species.

Of course, that was why he had decided to take her form that evening. Second Lieutenant Maria Ross looked like a man, or a very plain woman, and Envy figured he should know, given that he'd been men, women, and bodies with indefinite genders. He had always preferred the last of those, since it kept people guessing, but tonight, he had business to attend to. Some nosy, glasses-wearing asshole had turned into a problem, and if Lust and Sloth didn't manage to off him, then the responsibility fell to Envy. He would typically relish the chance to get rid of a guy who prided himself on his snot-nosed brat; seriously, what the hell was wrong with humans that they loved any squealing, dripping cunt produce that fell out of a woman? An orgasm into a waiting receptacle was not a damned accomplishment! It truly burned Envy that the bastard went around forcing his spawn into everyone's faces as though it were.

Envy did want to kill the man...but at the same time, he really didn't want to, because it was out of his way, and therefore An Annoyance, and after having encountered the Other Bane of His Existence—also known as the short piece of shit, also known as Edward Elric—only mere days earlier, Envy wanted to sit and mull and have the old bitch tell him how great he was and how right he was to think that his creator was a bastard. But maybe Lust would put one of her fingernails to good use. Maybe. If she did, Envy could sit back and relax.

A scintilla of pale blue-white alchemical energy danced along Envy's form, and by the time he had emerged from the bushes, his long dark hair was a good deal shorter and his body was taller...more feminine. Sort of. Well, no, not really.

He—or "she", whichever the form was, though Envy still identified most closely with male thanks to his original identity—quickly made his way up the steps leading into Central Headquarters. It was late at night, so late that only people with particular addictions to their work or people without lovers or spouses would still be milling about; Envy did not doubt that Maria Ross fit snugly into the latter category, whereas this Hughes fellow seemed to fit in the former. As Envy entered the building, he reached up and fingered his short hair, pushing parts of it behind his ears as he strode down the hallways purposefully, heavy boots striking the ground much harder than his formerly soft footfalls. No one gave "Maria Ross" a second glance as Envy headed toward his destination. He smirked to himself. Good; good. Humans were always so oblivious.

He was just passing by the office of Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer and giving himself a mental pat on the back when, all of a sudden, a door flew open and an enormous man was suddenly standing before Envy, so close in fact that the homunculus very nearly slammed into him. He caught himself at the last instant, not quite managing to stifle a gasp of surprise as the image of the gigantic figure filled the hallway and cast a shadow upon the person he was confronting. I've seen this guy before! Envy realized. He was in Ishbal...but what the hell? That is one huge human!

A name. Envy fumbled for a name, but Maria Ross's tongue didn't seem to want to comply, and his eyes never left the large set of pectorals before him.

"Second Lieutenant Maria Ross!" the large man boomed, and Envy's teeth chattered. "What a beautiful night it is tonight! The clouds are few, the stars are bright, and scarce are the people populating these hallowed halls! Come with me, my lady. We can at last fulfill our dream of making sweet BEAUTIFUL love atop the Lieutenant Colonel's desk!"

"Uh," was all Envy's mind and tongue seemed to harmonize on.

Before he could arrive at a reasonably coherent response, the shapeshifting homunculus found himself in a pair of arms with more width than most people's legs could ever match. One spin so quick that Envy almost got nauseous, and the Sin was suddenly staring at the empty desk of Frank Archer. Oh shit, he realized just as he was about to wrestle his way away from this brute. The damned woman couldn't take this monstrosity down! At least...she couldn't do so without arousing a great deal of suspicion. And Envy wasn't sure he could fight this bastard; well, he could, but not without a lot of hassle, given that the asshole had ambushed him! No fair! This was a completely obnoxious way of assaulting him! He hadn't even had a chance to fight him fist to fist! Instead, he was up in the air, legs dangling down the length of a very long spine. Envy had to bite his lip to keep from muttering curses beneath his breath; damn! He sure did hope his fellow homunculi were suffering too!

Envy landed on the desk, head striking the wood and bouncing up with a vague cracking sound. Ow! He promptly sat up, scowling fiercely at his assailant, but the hulking figure didn't even notice. He was too busy pushing papers aside and flipping on the light switch. Envy gaped, trying to figure a way out of this mess. His head was still spinning from the abruptness of the situation, as well as from being lifted, spun, and thrown onto a desk...all seemingly at random. What the hell? What the hell was he going to do? Oh shit. Oh shit! Envy had certainly fucked people before; he had even fucked as a woman before, but those instances were purely matters of experimentation! He wasn't interested in getting laid tonight, not when he had important concerns to deal with!

"...Sir..." he tried, beginning to compose himself again. "Don't you think...ah...that this isn't very professional of either of us?"

"Call me Alex Louis Armstrong, my dearest Maria!" insisted the mountain of a man. He ripped the top of his uniform away, revealing bulging pectorals, and then he flexed, muscles straining and moving, squeezing and popping out in a most histrionic fashion. "And unprofessional it is, my dear! Certainly so!" All at once, he was in front of the desk, pushing Envy back before the other had gotten a chance to hop off. "But my fair Maria, my heart has long desired to beat alongside yours in this room, and now that we have this glorious moment to ourselves, how could you expect me to resist your feminine wiles for one second longer?"

"But..."

"No. On second thought, do not call me that! Call me instead..." He leaned close, nudging a sharply boned cheek against Envy's rounder one, and it was all the homunculus could do not to slide backwards and off of the table in disgust. "...chu-chi face, for I am your little coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi, chu-chi."

You're not a little anything! Envy thought, head buzzing as his consciousness fuzzed over; the man's loud, blaring voice echoed through his makeshift eardrums. What the hell was the big ape talking about? Ugh. Envy kind of really wanted to off this jerk, but he wasn't sure how to go about doing so without making a mess and attracting undesired attention. Surely something that big would make a lot of noise while getting killed!

Then, before Envy had time to think about what was happening, an arm had wound around his back, and a mouth was pressing down on his. Frat-er-nuh-zay-shun, he thought, dimly, as his breath was sucked from his lips. Oh fuck, that Hughes bastard had better still be alive, because Envy knew he was going to need one hell of a fun time killing a bitch after this! He wanted to scream—tried to scream once a sudden loss of air left him dizzier than an undead entity had any right to be—but only a dull moan escaped his lips.

The big bald monkey must have taken that for encouragement, for the next thing Envy knew, he was pushed back even further, ass on the edge of the desk; meaty hands went to the front of his uniform and ripped it open. The homunculus emitted a decisively feminine squeal as a pair of breasts seemed to mystically manifest upon his chest, jutting out larger and pinker and, well, pokier than he could have ever anticipated. He stared down at his chosen form in horror, trying not to gape too much at the sight. After all, they were his breasts...in a way...but, but...! He had chosen female forms before, but he had never gotten used to the whole mammary thing. These...things...stood off his chest; sometimes they hung, depending on the form, but this woman's things were small and high, with mammalian nipples like a pair of pink cenz, poised and ready to strike, and Envy had no idea what to make of this physiology. It was just...well, it was bizarre, all soft and fatty like a couple little sacks of flour, and suddenly the big man's hands were on the swollen balloons of whatever the hell a human's tissue encompassed, and Envy let out a sharp sound quite in spite of himself.

This...this wasn't right! He didn't want this! He wanted to get the hell out and sprint away, not be molested by this random oaf! He tried to think of some way out, some way of distracting the oversized bald canary, but those damned hands were still on his chest and making him release a sputtering ....ngggghhhhh... of pointless, ridiculous sound. Envy hated the noises humans made during copulation; they sounded like dying animals, and he couldn't be completely positive, but he was pretty sure he was about on the same level of inane as a moose or maybe a caribou or a seal or something...and what the shit? Why was he suddenly thinking of big, shaggy beasts?

"Do not worry, sweet damsel," the big man was saying. "The fine art of sexuality has been passed down the Armstrong line for many a generation; in fact, some would contend that it is responsible for said line being so hale and robust. Although my hands are large, they are capable of much tenderness; a child is only so good as the loins from which he comes, and mine is a proud lineage..."

Envy tuned out right about there, his last thought being that he sure as fuck didn't want anything coming out of either of their loins. Hmm...wait a second! That was it! That gave him the perfect idea for how to get out of this catastrophe!

"I...agh...Sir! I'm...I'm...we can't do this! You see, I'm...I'm on my ...uh, feminine cycle!" The human woman's body had already begun to sweat under the assault of the probing hands, and Envy's breasts glistened wet and shiny in the light. He looked down at them, regarding the offending set as a pair of foreign objects, which in a way they were, given that they did not belong to his preferred form. Ew.

"But Maria, my love," replied the other, and Envy's mind latched onto the but with a sharp pang of intense apprehension. "Did you not just get over your...feminine cycle...a week ago?"

Shit, Envy thought, firstly, promptly followed by, you sick fuck!

"What?" he managed, quite unable to help himself despite realizing that acting out of character for Maria was probably very ill-advised at that particular moment. "What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of crazy psychofuck keeps track of that sort of thing?! Ugh! Ugh! That's disgusting!"

"Ah, but for as long as we've been together, it's quite natural for me to know about every aspect of your life," replied the other, not missing a beat, and a spark of fear twisted up Envy's spine.

They'd been together...how long? Oh no. No! This Armstrong freak knew everything about the woman Envy was impersonating? That...that wasn't good...that meant he knew exactly how she would react to any given situation. Still, Envy held himself in check; he was a good actor, and he was certain of his own talent. He could always just play off this sudden anxiety as being caught by surprise. Even if Maria and Armstrong had been planning some sort of rendezvous atop Archer's desk, the hulking beast of a man had still obviously sought to surprise his "fair damsel", and although Envy was by no means an expert on the subject of Second Lieutenant Maria Ross's personality, it seemed logical to assume that she—like any other sane being—would be taken aback by the alacrity with which her superior had come to her for sexual favours.

Well...this was officially a tricky situation. Every verbal attempt at escape had thus far been rebuked with ease, and while Envy suspected he had a decent stab at being able to physically resist his newfound enemy, he wasn't sporting for a fight. Envy remembered enough about Ishbal to know that this lunatic was a damned good alchemist, and of course he was huge, so how in the hell could the Sin fight him without alerting the whole fucking military to his presence and bringing an army down on his head? It was true that the hour was a late one, and not too many people were around, but a couple of explosions in the vicinity could change that in a hurry. Yeah, he'd probably get out, but then Dante would kick his ass and maybe seal him away for causing so much trouble...and that, of course, was unacceptable.

There was only one thing left to do, and Envy hated it.

Fuck.

He was going to have to play along...at least for a while.

Fuck.

Well...there was always the chance that the guy could turn around, and when he did, Envy could stab him in the back...but...otherwise...

"Oh, Alex," the homunculus tried, slurring the words in a mangled purr that didn't come out sounding nearly as nice as he had wanted it to. "You...literally took my breath away with this wonderful surprise, but I...well, I'm just..." Not fucking into you, you damned stupid human? "...it's late, and I'm tired, and I think maybe I should just...agh..." He fumbled. "...give you a blowjob?"

Now that was hard to say without wincing. Envy wasn't even altogether sure that he pulled off the sentence without a twitching eye or two. He hated the thought of sucking a human's cock; it was gross, and it didn't taste good or anything, but Envy had given enough fellatio in his years to know the quickest and most efficient methods for getting the recipients off, and currently, that's all that really mattered. His wannabe-lover was of such physical prowess that Envy didn't doubt the cum might threaten to drown him, but if he could just guzzle some of the gooey white stuff, then he could always run back to Dante afterwards and let her cosset him. She wasn't really the sympathetic sort or anything, but Envy figured she'd done her fair share of cum drinking over the years; she must have in order to have gotten some of the things she'd gotten, and even if she'd built up a tolerance, she had to feel his pain when it came to this instance. With Greed running around free now, there was always a chance that he might hear of this and give Envy endless mockery and no shortage of grief, but, well, Envy didn't intend to let him find out that this night had ever happened...

The hands of "Maria Ross" reached out blindly, rushing to strip the major of the lower part of his uniform. Before the fingers had undone anything, Envy found one hand caught in a strong grasp which threatened to become crushingly tight at the merest whim, and in an instant, the slim fingers were brought before the mustached face and kissed repeatedly. Lips brushed over knuckles, offering dainty caresses, and Envy could only sit in stupefied wonder; what was this? Honestly...how lame and old-fashioned could a person get? "I...agh...Sir.."

"Shhhh, Maria, I would not profane your beautiful mouth so," Armstrong contended, and Envy found himself questioning whether or not an homunculus could blush from humiliation. It was very rare that he felt embarrassed for a human; generally, he reserved little more than contempt for the inferior organisms, but this man was something else entirely. "Tonight is a beauteous evening; I would rather indulge in the sweet flower of your womanhood and bestow unto you...again...the techniques which have been passed down the Armstrong line for generations. We could both enjoy this, could we not?"

Envy's good acting skills faltered for a moment, failing him, allowing for a brief hesitation, and once again, that was all Armstrong needed. At once, hands were again on Envy's very female anatomy, prodding and pushing and stroking, and a squeal passed through the lips of Maria Ross's facsimile. Humans should not have powers such as these! The Sin struggled to come up with some kind of rebuttal, anything would be fine right about now, but then lips and a tongue replaced those roaming hands and the creature's eyes rolled back in pure carnal delight. Thoughts of killing Hughes...or...well, anything...were suddenly replaced by primitive, raw ...desire; it was stupid, Envy knew; purely idiotic! He shouldn't be feeling this way, and yet...it had been so long, and for all of the fool's egotistical boasting, he really was quite...amazing!

The homunculus was by no means certain when the last time he had fucked was. It might've even been a century ago. Immortals tended to lose track of time, especially when they mostly existed outside of civilization as Envy had always done; he had no real reason to keep up with what era it was, so he didn't, and he forgot when he had last done certain things. Sex was certainly among the aspects of the homunculus's unlife that he hadn't been keeping up with, so even a tiny amount of stimulation proved to be...dangerous.

Envy had always hated it when people argued that homunculi were simple, stupid, instinct-driven creatures, but at the moment, he wasn't exactly doing a lot to prove that assertion untrue. In fact, his toes were curling in his boots and his betraying hands had decided to go for a mad dash in ripping off what remained of his uniform. He hadn't intended for this to happen. He still didn't intend for it to happen, but it was so fucking hard to think straight when such skilled hands were manipulating you. Envy's last truly coherent thought was to wonder if maybe some alchemy had been performed that he hadn't even seen, but that seemed unlikely, and then fuck if he could think much of anything that even resembled something coherent. A very hot and bothered Envy-stuck-in-a-woman's body was stripped bare save for a thin pair of dripping wet panties, and with one flick of a particularly large wrist, those too were gone.

While Armstrong's hands fondled Envy's breasts and his mouth nipped and sucked at his neck, the bemused homunculus took the opportunity to glance down at his own body; well, it wasn't actually his...not really; he thought of his favourite form as his true appearance, but this was an all right vessel for the time being. He had not given Maria Ross very much credit, but with that godawful uniform out of the way, she really was a hell of a lot more attractive than one might have believed. Envy found himself looking at his own...well, tits...and belly...and cunt...as though they were on someone else's body entirely. It was both unnerving and strangely arousing to see planes and curves that he didn't even realize he had.

He—or "she"—was breathing rapidly, chest going in and out, belly hopping in quick, shallow pants. It was too sudden. It was all too sudden, and Envy opened his mouth to begin a fresh round of protest, but another suffocating kiss silenced him, and then he felt a hand there and he almost screamed against the tongue that was plunging into his mouth, plundering him, robbing him of what remained of his senses. He closed his eyes, moaning and arching his back, tilting his pelvis upwards and at an angle so as to align his cunt with the huge hand pressing against it. Fingers buried in, first one, then another. The kiss broke for a moment and Envy leaned back, still pushing up, then gasping softly as a thumb found his clitoris and began toying with it. This was wrong. So wrong. Too wrong. And wrong had rarely felt so wonderful.

Armstrong's fingers were bigger than some humans' cocks—again, sadly, something Envy knew from personal experience—and when a third pushed in, the homunculus shuddered gently and squeezed, clenching around the sensation. He was sweating profusely, short hair matted to his forehead, and his cunt was growing wetter by the second. Armstrong continued fingering the deceptively feminine body before him, swirling and pushing and preparing the way for what Envy could only assume was a massive organ, and a tiny little protesting voice in the back of Envy's mind was telling him to hop off the desk and get the hell out of there, but in his current position...well, it just wasn't going to happen. At least, not for a while. Hands moved from breasts to thighs, pulling Envy open and spreading him, stretching the little slit, opening it wide and pink. Envy put up no resistance; in fact, he aided the man's touches by shifting positions to accommodate the eager fingers. Before he knew it, his own hands were on his body, giving the breasts enough attention to draw sparks of pleasure before massaging the ready clit. He was not even thinking about what he was doing. He was just...doing.

When Envy opened his eyes after another heady kiss, he blinked to find himself staring at a very naked Alex Louis Armstrong...along with—most certainly—the largest cock he had ever seen, human or homunculus. It was all he could to keep from letting his jaw drop at the sight. How in the hell did Maria take that thing inside of her? Envy's eyes went wide; he couldn't help but gain a newfound (if grudging) respect for the woman he was currently impersonating, and as he pondered the notion of actually shifting so as to make room for the insanely long and thick erection, Envy immediately remembered that hey, this was not supposed to be fucking happening! He had...to be...to be...somewhere...doing something...killing someone...ngh...fuck! Why was it so hard to think when you were naked, legs wide apart, and regarding a 'freak of nature' huge dick?

No! he wanted and didn't want to say. No! You shithead! You have the wrong person! I'm not her! I'm an undead four centuries old shapeshifting being who is as strong as you if not way more so, and eventually I'm going to exterminate you and your whole goddamned race of unimportant shits!

That was what he thought.

He said,

"...yes..."

That, apparently, was enough.

One thrust so hard that Envy thought he heard his hips pop and Armstrong was in. The shapeshifter screamed breathlessly, instinctively adjusting his form to allow the man's cock complete passage into the formerly tight tunnel of muscle and bone. He hadn't...had never expected the bastard to shove in so fucking suddenly! Was he crazy? Surely the real Maria Ross would've suffered some kind of internal bleeding from that kind of reckless behaviour! Envy's blunt nails dug into the wood of the desk, whole body shaking and shivering as that bizarrely muscular form pushed up against him. Hands gripped his thighs again, forcing his legs to wrap around a waist larger than two tree trunks put together. Envy's ankles dug into the small of Armstrong's back as he strained, transforming even further, not caring that it might feel a little weird for his insistent surprise lover. No, no, Armstrong must have been too caught up in his own pleasure to notice anything amiss; he said nothing, and Envy could find no suitable words, only strange, broken spurts of sound.

He had never felt so filled before. Rigid peaks of muscle massaged the soft, feminine belly of Maria Ross's doppleganger, causing a sensation that was a mixture of tickling, roughly rubbing, and scraping, and oh did it ever stimulate Envy's inhuman nerve endings! Coveting further contact, he nudged against his paramour, letting those stiff muscles dig into the raw, ripe flesh of his breasts and nipples, eliciting a half-swallowed scream. Envy gulped in air, though it was promptly knocked from his dead lungs with the first slow, steady thrust. Thankfully, Armstrong was currently silent about his darling Maria; the man's attitude sure as fuck could kill a mood, but his sexual prowess was something else entirely. As long as he kept quiet save for the customary (if annoying) sexual sounds, Envy thought he could just...enjoy this. He hadn't asked for it, and if he stopped to think about the fact that a human was fucking him, then he would still be horrified beyond measure, and truly enough, all of Envy's negative emotions were still there, but for the moment, they were not the core of his thoughts. If only for this short span of time, physical sensation overtook rationality and even abhorrence.

He might have been able to hate or think if he had been given to breathe, to compose himself and gather his wits, but he didn't have the chance. Firm arms had wrapped around him and were holding him in place, rocking his hips gently as the man eased partially in and out, not yet seeming bold enough for any harder thrusts. Envy rode the pace, not fighting nor aiding it; he sighed and moaned, eyes half-opened as though he were about to enter a period of slumber. Then, next thing he new, his giant of a lover was speeding up, going deeper, drawing rapid liquid groans from his lips. Envy felt as though he was melting into the body driving into his own, fully accepting the huge, throbbing cock, letting his insides wrap around it and then clamping down hard.

After a short while, he began to participate in the coupling, meeting Armstrong's skilled thrusts with the motion of his own hips. Quickly enough, Envy thought he heard himself snarling, but he tried to repress the sounds as soon as he caught himself in the act. Growling and ripping skin did not seem like very 'Maria Ross' things to do, yet Armstrong did not seem surprised or concerned. Hmm, maybe the bitch is a little wilder than I assumed, Envy thought, crying out as yet another severe thrust rent comprehension from him. This...this was ...this was as much a battle as it was an embrace! It was like they were fighting each other, and Envy's body was submitting one knot of muscle at a time! Passion overtook him, making him claw and bite and hiss like a serpent as he coiled himself about the lover he had never asked for, but the big man's face was strangely stoic.

Seemed funny, given that he had instigated this, but Envy was too horny to pay the person he was fucking any mind. For that matter, he was too horny to pay anything any mind. As long as the bald canary didn't start singing and claiming that his skill had been 'passed down the Armstrong line for generations', then the homunculus thought this just might be one of the best fucks he had ever had. Envy was dizzy, burning with euphoria, sweating as his brain sizzled with false blood, and trembling viciously as he was mercilessly pounded into the desk. Nails and teeth buried into thick skin, and Envy thought the wood of the desk might splinter under the weight of the hips slamming atop it.

The homunculus felt bruises blossom, felt them disappear, but those were nothing more than momentary distractions. Climax. Oh fuck. Yes! He could feel himself getting near the peak, the apex, and with his inhuman power, he made things a little more fierce. Pelvis tilted; bodies collided, but this time, Envy set the pace. He licked his lips, satisfied by the low rumbling he heard in the other's throat. Heh. Sounded like the big guy was enjoying himself. Aw. This was...so...fucking...good...and Envy just couldn't fucking stop himself! With a sound like no human being should have ever been capable of producing, he arched up and off the desk, actually knocking his massive lover backwards as forms smashed together and an orgasm claimed this strange female body. Yes. Perfect! Muscles spasmed uncontrollably, shuddering around the hard organ, and Envy let all other feelings and ideas become water and dust as he delighted in the golden, honey warm joy of an intense climax. Damn! After years of sexual frustration, he had needed that so badly! For one flash of an instant, he was happy—actually not quite pissed-at-the-whole-world-and-wanting-every-fucking-thing-to-die—purring in bliss as colours danced in his vision and the desk shattered beneath him.

Then, he was on his ass.

At about that time, several important things occurred to Envy at once.

First was that he had not yet killed Hughes.

Second was that if Hughes was still alive, Dante would be pissed.

Third was that he'd just fucked...someone...some...he'd just fucked! He'd just been fucked!

Fourth was that Maria Ross and Alex Louis Armstrong were going to have some damned weird discussions about this later, if the subject ever got broached.

Fifth was that, for whatever reason, the damned human hadn't actually popped one off in him, meaning Envy had gotten his jollies without letting Armstrong have his...which was fine by Envy, but it might not have been too characteristic of Maria Ross. Then again...did that even matter now? Envy was too frazzled and still too high from his orgasm to know if it did or not. He was experiencing as much of an endorphin high as an ancient zombie-like being could probably go through, and it wasn't too likely that he'd come completely down from this one for a while. Well...I guess I did get messy after all... he thought, dimly, staring up blankly at the man who had just ...er...become acquainted with him.

"Well, aren't you going to help a girl up?" he asked in an awkward warble, not really giving a damn if he sounded very much like Maria or not. Armstrong was already dressing himself, and Envy raised an eyebrow, wondering what in the hell was up with the loon now. "Come on...I thought you were Mister Chivalrous..." Oh, come on! He couldn't have held it against Envy that he hadn't had a chance to cum before the sex ended, could he? That would be so petty, especially when he could always whack it in the bathroom! It was his own damned fault for turning down a blowjob, anyway!

The mustache twitched.

Armstrong's expression was cold, severe.

"First..." he said, grimly. "Tell me your true name."

Envy's fingers traced broken splinters with dangerous precision.

"How long have you known?" he asked in a quiet hiss.

A pause.

"Since I first saw you in the hallway...undoubtedly looking for something you have no business trying to find. Up to no good, I'm certain." Armstrong tapped the side of his face, indicating the area near one eye; startled, Envy raised a hand to the designated location. Oh, no! That Ross woman...she'd...she'd had a mark there, hadn't she? A mole or something! Envy was just beginning to sort things out when Armstrong added, "I intercepted you and used unorthodox but necessary means in order to prevent you from whatever you sought to accomplish. It was extreme, but that is the Armstrong way—to go above and beyond the call of duty in times of crisis." One blond eyebrow quirked. "As it happens...young Edward Elric drew a picture of you, I believe. His art is not the equivalent of my own, nor anyone in the Armstrong line, but..."

He reached into his clothing and removed a crumpled scrap of paper. When Envy saw the illustration upon it, he could not help but snicker uncontrollably.

"I was told to apprehend, kill, or restrain you as was necessary," Armstrong said evenly. "And I always do as I am told."

"So do I. You sure have a funny way of trying to stop a murder, though." Envy shrugged his shoulders, rolling them, causing light to overtake his physique as he once again assumed his typical androgynous body. "Or...are you just mad that I got off and you didn't?" He winked, then leapt to his feet easily, turning to leave as soon as his feet were upon the ground. By now, he was in too much of a good mood to really care if Lust had failed or not; if she hadn't, well, Hughes could always die later. When it came to murdering mortals, there really was no rush, and patience was a virtue; hell, Dante had told Envy that herself! He'd just throw it back in the old bat's face if she attempted to scold him for his fun! "Heh," he said, glancing back. "Maybe your proud family line needs a technique for that, too."

The titan of a human had already assumed a fighting stance, and he looked ready to start some kind of an alchemical reaction, but Envy wasn't worried. Nor annoyed. Not anymore. He was feeling more loose and easy-going than he had in a damned long time; heh, he wouldn't even mind Greed coming around just so they could have a fight like they did way back when! "Thanks for the good time, big guy," Envy said, blowing a kiss. "But I'm not in any mood to fight right now. I don't like fighting!" He laughed. "I'm...a pacifist, y'know?" Teeth gleamed. "But next time we meet...you'd better try some very different techniques on me, or else I might be the one who penetrates you!"

And with that, he flipped backwards and out of the window, narrowly missing the first explosion.