baka neko

The Glowing Cone of Light

Roy slammed against the opposite wall so hard he made the plaster creak warningly.

"Fullmetal." Amazingly, his voice was only one pitch higher. "Your dick is glowing."


Ed looked down and saw that he did indeed have a glowing dick, as Roy had so concisely put it.


"Miss Rockbell gave you a radioactive penis?" Roy guessed. His sense of humour tended to abysmal when under great stress. "Did you annoy her that day?"

"No! Dammit! No, she was supposed to give me an ordinary dick!" Ed howled.

"Explain, NOW."

"I didn't tell Al." Ed said miserably. "But the damage went all the way up to—well there," he gestured, expressively, "so I had to get an automail replacement there as well."

Roy gaped. Then..."You let a GIRL give you an automail penis replacement?"

"Hey! She did it blindfolded! No one else could do that! And better her than that old hag!"

Roy had to concede to that.

"So...I'm assuming she grabbed the wrong one." Now that it was confirmed that it was by no means a dangerous Weapon of Mass Destruction, Roy moved closer, fascinated.

"That's so wrong on so many levels..." Ed groaned, burying his head in his hands. "But I can't imagine how—I mean, it doesn't glow in the daytime!"

Roy inspected it, then out of sheer, prurient curiousity, gave the rather odd bump on the glowing penis a light tap.


"Oh my. It looks like she gave you a glow-in-the-dark vibrator instead. Whatever shall we do?"

"Fuck you, Roy Mustang."


"Hey! There's no need to yell on the phone. I can hear you perfectly well."


"...I could so sue you for sexual harassment, Ed. What do you mean I gave you the wrong dick?"

"I've have a glowing vibrator here instead of a penis! It looks like a bloody lightsaber at night! It's definitely not mine!"


"I want my dick back!"

"...But there's no way I could make a mistake! You're the only one who comes here for penis upgrades!"

"Well, then why do I not have my dick? If this is one of your toys, keep it somewhere else!"

"Ed! It's not mine, you ass!"

"Well, then, who else could it be? You and that old hag are the only people in that house!"