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elanivalae

Hagane no Heresy


In the Beginning...

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

OW! HOW THE HELL DID THAT CHUNK OF MATTER GET THERE? CAN'T A DEITY GET ANY LIGHT AROUND HERE?

And so God snapped His celestial fingers imperiously and created light, that He would no longer stub His toes on the annoyingly formless bits of Earth-to-be that were scattered about.

THERE, THAT'S GOOD. He stood back and observed his work. NOW, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO CLEAN THIS PLACE UP.

And God said, WHY DON'T I JUST SORT OF GROUP ALL THIS JUNK TOGETHER, AND CREATE MINIONS TO TAKE CARE OF IT. THEN I CAN GO HAVE A BEER OR SOMETHING.

So He divided the land from the water and covered it with all manner of plants and animals. He filled the sea with fish and the sky with birds, and He saw that they were good. Especially fried.

And so God wiped His mouth and sat back to consider what he still needed to do. GREAT! NOW ALL I NEED IS AN OFFICE STAFF TO TAKE CARE OF NAMING AND ORGANIZING ALL THIS STUFF! Pleased, He perused the latest issue of Sentients by Starmail, finally settling on "Model 436b Hairless Ape, upright version". He filled out the order form, put the balance on his Astral Express card, and sent it out the next day.

And God awaited the package anxiously. It arrived soon thereafter, and He hurriedly ripped it open to read the invoice within.

Sentients by Starmail, Alpha Centauri Office

Enclosed: 1 (one) male and 1 (one) female hairless ape

Model 436b upright version

BONUS: 1 (one) free Unicorn, to let you know we appreciate your business!

God swore to Himself. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ONE UNICORN? I SUPPOSE THEY REPRODUCE WITH SPORES? He snorted, annoyed, but continued reading.

As stated in the catalog, our Model 436b Hairless Ape is highly customizable, designed with the discerning deity in mind. We are certain you'll be pleased with our product; however, please note that if you are for some reason not, the warranty becomes null and void if you read this message.

And so God opened the box and fished out the hairless apes, arranging them pleasingly in the Deluxe Tropical Garden diorama he'd made a few days prior. He was happy to note that they were fully poseable.

God smirked. IT'S GOOD, he thought, and activated them.


Eve buried her head in her hands. They'd been naming creatures all day long, and Adam, feeling small and insignificant next to all of the garden's impressive life forms, was starting to get surly.

And when Adam got surly, everyone suffered for it. He'd called the poor last animal a wombat, for goodness' sake! Eve didn't even want to think about what he'd wanted to call the giraffe. It had taken her three hours (and a few solid thwacks with a forked branch) to convince him that the animal wasn't God's way of personally mocking him.

"It's gold! And it's even got the little antenna things!" he'd seethed. "You can't tell me that's not a jab! The nerve of that Bastard!"

Now, all she wanted was a nice bath in the river and a delicious piece of fruit. Taking advantage of Adam's latest explosion (he wasn't dealing well with the ostrich), she escaped toward the center of the garden. Stepping into the water, she sighed happily and let herself drift.

"Psst! Ape-lady!"

Eve was jerked out of her reverie by a hissing voice, coming from an overhanging banana tree. "Me?" she asked, looking around.

"Of course you. Unless there are a bunch of other ape-ladies running around." The voice was sarcastic, but sounded amused. "Anyway, you're hungry, right?"

"Yes," Eve agreed. "But where are you?"

A blue and black serpent slithered out onto a branch and waved its tail. "Right here. Hey, you know what? We could make a deal. I'll get some of this nice fruit down for you, and you can stick around to look at pictures of my kids!" He shook his head woefully. "There's no one else to show them to until you have kids, and then you'll be too busy. How about it? They're really adorable!" he beamed, plucking a banana with his tail. "Come on!"

Eve blinked at the breathless rush of words. This must be one of those creatures that absorbs air through its skin...it certainly doesn't seem to stop talking long enough to get it any other way! "Um...isn't that the tree that God told us not to eat out of?" she asked.

The serpent rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh, Him. I guess you two haven't learned yet, but He likes reverse psychology. When He wants you to do something, all He has to do is tell you not to, and then He knows it's practically guaranteed."

"Oh." Eve thought for a moment, pulling herself up on shore. "Well, okay, if you're sure." She nodded and took the banana. "Now, what were these 'picture' things you were talking about?"