Roy knew better, but he just couldn't help himself. He'd think up an excuse for this highly unprofessional, reputation-damaging behavior later; now was the time to seize the moment, live recklessly, and not worry about how many important military documents might get smeared with lube and bodily fluids if they continued this kind of behavior on top of his blotter. God knew how long he'd been wanting this.
He pushed Ed back over the desk, thanking whatever deity was in charge of his life for the short boy's incredible flexibility, never pulling away from his frantic, hot mouth. He could feel his lips swelling from where they had been bruised against Ed's teeth, but that was not important. The only things that mattered right now were the tongue dancing with his in a passionate tango; the warm, willing body under his; the gloved steel hand clenched in his hair and the flesh one shoved down the back of his pants, groping at his ass; and the insistent, hard press of the blond's aroused sex grinding into his thigh.
Hawkeye would kill him if she found out about this. Of that, he had no doubts. He had given her a time-consuming but unimportant away-from-the-office task as soon as he had realized what direction things were going in and managed to pull himself away from a very needy Full Metal. She raised a brow at his slightly mussed hair and flushing face, but didn't say much except to acknowledge her orders...which was good, because as she got up from her seat to leave, Roy could feel a pair of firm hands sneakily sliding past the waistband of his pants. He had slammed the door shut with unnecessary force.
Tastes so good... Like rock-candy or lollipops or fruit drops or something. Roy fumbled blindly for the tie holding Ed's hair in place and yanked it out, then plunged his bare hands deep into the golden mass, kissing away the boy's snarled curses of pain as his fingers pulled through roughly. The younger alchemist clawed at his back, gasping and whining as the Colonel's mouth found his ear and began to suck the lobe and nibble up along the edge. He flexed backward, lifting his feet off the floor and, after kicking off his heavy, thick-soled boots, wrapped his legs around Roy, arching his back like a cat in heat.
Roy pulled away enough to quickly strip off his jacket and undershirt, suddenly saddened by the realization that he only had two hands and both of them were needed to undo the buttons on the front of his military uniform, and then, just as suddenly, grateful that Ed was kind enough to help him with his clothing problem by tackling the fastenings on his pants. The boy's fingers grazed over his bulging crotch and he closed his eyes, groaning, then quickly began to work on disrobing the blond. He tipped his sleek head down to claim one small tan nipple, rolling it between his teeth, and Ed shuddered, making the most interesting and delightful noises ever to grace Roy's ears. His cock pressed into the Colonel's belly, and the older man could feel the traces of sticky wetness smeared on his skin. He reached for a drawer blindly, his fingers searching for that small bottle he always kept on hand.
Unexpectedly, the door flew open with a loud bang, steps sounded on the tile, and a very familiar, very cranky voice said, "God dammit, Colonel, was there really any point in that assign..." The blond alchemist stopped dead in his tracks, his angry tirade cut as short as the tails of the three blind mice, and his mouth hung open, rocking in the breeze like an abandoned porch swing. He blinked once, taking in the scene before him.
Roy straightened up, eyes wide, for once in his life completely speechless. His mouth worked, but no sound came out. He looked down at the naked Ed spread out wantonly across his desk, then looked at the very clothed Ed standing in the doorway, then looked back down again. This isn't good...
The naked Ed, for his part, arched his back again, staring his not-so-naked doppelganger upside down. He smiled, then ruefully began to laugh, shaking his head a little, looking for all the world like a large—nude, Mustang's brain supplied helpfully, hung up on the details—child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"Hey, Shorty!" he greeted between his snickers.
The Ed-standing-in-the-doorway's face cramped up, changing rapidly from a cute and rather endearing what...the...fuck...? to an enraged and slightly deranged Aha-this-suddenly-makes-sense-and-something's-going-to-die. He charged across the room with a yell, clapping his hands.
The strong legs gripping Roy's waist released, and then a pair of feet hit him in the chest, knocking him back as Ed-that-was-not-Ed somersaulted off the desk.
Roy did as any reasonably sane alchemist would do in his situation: he ducked behind the large piece of office furniture. He was ostensibly searching the floor for his ignition cloth gloves while practically avoiding getting involved in what was no doubt going to prove to be a very explosive battle. Two Edwards! As if anything could be more of a handful than one!
He heard several flat, heavy, wet smacking noises, followed by a thud, and he peered around the corner of the desk. It appeared Ed #2 was seriously getting his ass kicked. The blond lay on the floor, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth; Ed #1 strolled over to him and picked him up by his braid, smiling broadly.
"Now, now, Shorty, don't be so hasty!" Ed #1 chuckled. "Surely we can..."
Ed #2 growled, clapped again, and blew a large hole in Ed #1ís side.
Roy winced as a large quantity of blood sprayed all over his office. He was already dreading having to make his report on this incident to the higher-ups, and he was also irrationally disappointed. Though it was now extremely clear which was the real Ed and which was the imposter, the imposter made a very cute, very sexy Ed, and Roy had gotten quite a bit further with the not-really-Ed than with the actual one. He sighed. C'est le vie. He also, he realized suddenly, was going to have to explain things to the real Full Metal. The Flame Alchemist winced again.
Something wasn't right, though. Roy could see, from his vantage point on the floor, that Ed #1, despite having most of his right side splattered over the front of the heavy oak desk and about two and a half forests worth of paperwork, didn't seem particularly worried even as he slumped to the floor, clutching his exposed ribs. Pissed, yes; worried or hurt, no.
"You little bitch," he said, blood running out of his mouth like someone left the tap on. Blueish-white glimmered along the wound, leaving clean, whole skin behind, and Ed #1 smiled before the sparkles swept over the rest of him, revealing a taller, leaner form with wild dark hair and predatory violet eyes.
Roy stared, for several very good reasons, the first of which involved wondering what kind of alchemy had created a creature capable of shapeshifting and immediate healing. The second involved the fact that he hadn't prepared for this surprise bonus round of What Gender Is It, Anyway?. And, thirdly, whatever gender it was aside, was it wearing...a miniskirt?
Roy was pretty sure it was. It had long dark hair, a slender waist, legs up to its chin, and by God, it seemed to be wearing a silky-looking miniskirt. Or some reasonable facsimile thereof. And it had been making out with him heatedly on the desk a few minutes ago. "Pretty..." he breathed quietly, wondering how to turn this around to his advantage again. That got him motivated, and he quickly resumed searching for his gloves.
"Well, Shorty, if I had realized you were going to show up, I'd have waited for you instead of going for your Colonel," an androgynous voice proclaimed. "Not that the Colonel isn't a...heh, interesting...man in his own right..."
"Thank you!" Roy shouted from his side of the desk, tossing various articles of clothing around.
"SHUT UP!" Ed roared, and Mustang was pretty sure—even without looking—that the young alchemist was blushing to match his coat. He peeked over the blood-spattered top. Sure enough. He also looked like he was about to blow something else up. Roy ducked down again, his hand landing on just what he was looking for.
"...but I would really prefer to have you," the gender-ambiguous person continued as if there had been no interruption.
Roy stood up, which might have been a more imposing sight if he had still been in uniform, and raised his fist, fingers held ready. Ed and the definitely-not-Ed-but-certainly-cute looked at him, one blushing again, the other with mild interest.
"You!" the Flame Alchemist yelled, pointing with his free hand at the dark haired thing.
"Envy," the thing offered helpfully.
"Envy!" Roy repeated, still pointing. "You want him," the finger moved to indicate Ed, and Envy nodded, "...and I want him, so logically..."
Ed sputtered, wordlessly infuriated, feeling slightly faint from the amount of blood flooding his face.
A slow, evil smile spread across the Envy's face. "A two-pronged assault?"
The Flame Alchemist nodded. "A classic military strategy."
Something seemed to snap in Ed's mind. "H...hey... Hey! Hold on a damned minute! You can't just...!"
The two other men turned to regard him with eerily similar grins, and Ed swallowed hard and took an involuntary step backward, then brought his hands up. Before he could bring them together, however, there was a dry "snap" and the back of his jacket lit on fire. Ed yelped, distracted, and was promptly pounced upon by a giggly, giddy Envy.
"Hello, Shorty," the thing purred.
"Get..." Ed flailed his arms, trying to slice open the arrogant Sin's face, trying to clap, trying to make any useful motion. "...the fuck..." Envy caught his wrists and pinned them down to the floor, grinning like a demented demon. "...off me..." Ed felt something heavy settle behind Envy on his thighs, something that felt suspiciously like Roy Mustang. "...ri..ght..." His protest lost a lot of strength as he saw Roy's hands—one still safely gloved—curl around Envy's narrow waist and saw the Colonel lean in to nuzzle through the long spiky hair to bite the Sin's neck.
"Shall we?" Roy was courteous.
"Many, many times," came Envy's ominously happy answer.
He also though, briefly, of thanking Envy for sparking this entire incident, but then shook his head. The damned thing was smug enough already.
Smug enough and touching him in just that right way...
Ed shuddered and stopped even trying to think coherently.