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Conquerer of Shamballa (in five minutes)


Creepy random villian: Hello, I have a bomb. So should you.

Al: Um, no thanks. And why am I randomly back in armor?

Ed (busts in through ceiling): Hey, that's nothing compared to my random SPACE HELMET!

Al: ... niisan, your fashion sense... *headpalm*

Ed: Hey, at least we know it's a flashback now.

*Cue overly gratuitous fight scene*

Creepy random villian: Oh nos! I am bested! Obviously, the solution is HUMAN TRANSMUTATION. I have thought about it for two seconds. It is the best plan.

Gate: I agree. *LOOM* *MUNCH*

EdnAl: ...

Castle: *collapse!*

EdnAl: !!!


Ed (now in Munich): ... and the moral of the story is—well, I guess there's no moral to this story, it's just a bunch of stuff that happened. Kind of like the rest of this movie.

Alfons: Ahahahah... ah ha. Edward, you are certifiable :-/

Ed: HEY, I AM PERFECTLY COMPETENT! *turns around to protest, totals car*

Alfons: See what I mean?

Ed: Uh... HEY LOOK, gypsies!

Alfons: *random coughing fit*

Ed: *meaningful look of OH NOES*

Gypsies: Hey there sugar, looking for a good time?

Ed: Yeah! Yay carnival! :D

Gypsies: ... that's not what we meant.

Ed: Oh. *blush*

Alfons: And while you stare at boobies, I'm gonna stare at YOU. HEY SLASH FANS!

Noah: Hi. I randomly read minds.

Ed: Hi. I randomly find you intriguing. Damn canon weakness for Sues.

Random military guys: We also randomly find Noah intriguing. This is why we've purchased you.

Noah: *reads mind* ZOMG! *flees*

Alfons: Hey Ed! So my buddies and I are randomly gonna shoot off this rocket at a town festival! You see, historically speaking, there was a time when the German populace was enthralled by rocketry and public demonstrations were common, if unsafe- Oh wait, I forgot, we don't actually EXPLAIN that .

Ed: TL;DR anyways. Later.

Alfons: D: You're not gonna stay and watch? Nooooo—wait, maybe they should also have left in backplot about, you know, why I care about you to begin with. Because I am so totally gay for you.

Ed: Yeah, well. Huh whut?

Noah: Woe, for I am a damsel in distress!

Ed: Woe, for I am pwned by canon!Sue!

Random guys: Time for a random fight scene!

Ed: Time for me to show off my totally random replacement automail! *kicks ass, flees with girl*


Alfons: *hooks up with random evil military guy* Hey, someone wants to pay me to build a giant rocket in the basement of their cool occult castle! I won't ask any hard questions. Because I'm dying from lung damage caused by inhaling rocket fuel fumes and I am worried I won't have time to acheive my dream of going into space- Wait, they don't explain this part either O.o; WTF.

Military guy: Damn, we lost the girl... and I was hoping she could help us find the Dragon. That is to say, the Great Serpent...

Rand: Hey, somebody call for the Dragon?

Military guy: ... what? Boy, get out of here, you're in the wrong series!

Rand: Well how was I supposed to know? Great Serpent, Dragon...

Military guy: ...

Rand: ... random crossover would make about as much sense as the rest of the random mythology.

Military guy: Point.


*Back at a Random Apartment Complex*

Noah: So you're sure you're cool with a total stranger shacking up with you?

Alfons: Hey, I'm just glad Edward is shacking up with ANYBODY. You'd swear he was a block of ice below the waist. Heaven knows I've tried to get in his pants enough times...

Noah: Er...

Alfons: *continues random emo, then goes to work*

Ed: *has dream about Winry and Al, then fangirls go to work*

Noah: So uh, I see you have a box of legs in your room. Creepy.

Ed: Yeah, check this out! Tech light years beyond Germany in the year 2000! Actually, I got them from a giant plot hole my Dad, so don't think too hard. The writers obviously weren't.

Noah: So where is your dad, anyway? Don't mind me while I ask incredibly personal questions.

Ed: Yeah well, he sort of walked out on me again. So naturally I ended up living with alter!Al, who was kind enough to take a research buddy but otherwise total stranger into his home :D

Alfons (offscreen): Yeah, about that... can we get it on yet?

Ed: *continues to emo* And yeah, your mind reading was right—I don't come from this world. Maybe this isn't even another world at all. Maybe this is all part of a squirrel's bad dream. Or hey, it could always be my own personal hell :D

Noah: ... you're a cheerful sort, aren't you?

Ed: Damn straight.

Alfons (offscreen): Straight?! DAMMIT!


Alter!Gracia: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people you miss back home!

Alter!Hughes: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people who are DEAD back home!

Noah: And I'm here to be the only person who believes you, but only because I can see into your mind and see Al.

Ed: 'S okay. I'll stick close to you cause you're talking about Al.

Alfons (offscreen): HEY! I'M AN AL TOO, YOU KNOW!

Al (offscreen): Hehehe, see, this is why I pwn.

Random doctor: I'm here to do something completely unnecessary to your arm, because we sure as hell have no idea when you hurt it.

Random angry guy: No, you're here because everyone has to hear my biggoted ranting.

Ed: Man, that guy should stfu already.

Noah: No, it's okay. *insert something about long-suffering Roma people*

Ed: Hold that thought cause ZOMG, HOMUNCULUS! And look, fangirls, I'm still in perfect shape—I managed to chase a car down on foot!

Alter!Bradley: Hello, thug from nowhere who is threatening to kill me. Can you drive for me? I'm in need of a new thug.

Ed: ... you might want to see my driving first.

Alter!Bradley: Never mind that, we're here! Check out this castle, we're going to go dragon-hunting.

Ed: St. Edward vs the dragon!

Envy-dragon: Awesome, how nobody has noticed me so far!

RANDOM BIPLANES: 'Cept for us! Hey, check out our lances of Longinus!

Envy-dragon: *is pwned*

Ed: ... wtf was that!?

Hess: Wait, who are you? And if we don't want witnesses, why haven't we shot you yet?

Ed: I'm going to stupidly announce myself to the strange men holding me captive! Sadly, THIS part is totally in character.

Military guys: Edward Elric! *gasp* He's so important... that we're going to just let him go free.

Eckhart: That's okay, I'm randomly majikal too! :D *opens Gate using Envy... or maybe Hohenheim. Ah, nobody cares*

Shoulder pads: We are so massive, we speak for ourselves. CUE THE GUYS IN ARMOR! One of whom looks suspiciously like Al.


*Cut to Northern Amestris in winter*

Havoc: Hey Colonel—I mean, Corporal. How did you swing getting demoted when the rest of us kept our ranks, anyway? I mean, we were ALL involved in that uprising.

Emo!Roy: No. It's okay. I deserve to be demoted. Look at what I am reduced to! I will be a good little Russian Amestrian and drink vodka out in the middle of nowhere.

Breda: WTF? Okay, that was weird. You think we should have brought Hawkeye to kick his emo ass?

Havoc: No... *meaningful* You see, Hawkeye isn't the one he's waiting for... OH ROY/ED FANS~

Slash fans: Hell no! Roy, you suck now >:|


*Cuts to Other Parts of Amestris*

Izumi: *randomly dead*

Winry: *randomly grave visiting*

Wrath: *randomly around*

Winry: Aww... you left your dead mother-figure flowers. Here, I'll fix up your automail so you can be a plot device.


*Cut to Lior*

Armstrong: *sparkle sparkle*

People: Oh no...

Evil Armors From Beyond: *menace menace*

People: Oh no...

Cosplay!Al: Why no, I'm not obsessed with my brother! *flashes teeth* Hey, watch THIS! My soul can leave my body, isn't that awesome? :D

Armors: *are randomly sucked back up into the sky*

Al: D: Hey, I wanted to plunge headfirst into the glowing purple thing, too... oh well. Never mind the fact that I'm still missing bits of my soul!


*Back in Munich*

Ed: Dum de dum... here I am, poking around the Evil Professor's lair. Oh wow, what's this GIGANTIC ARRAY doing half-finished? And a convenient piece of chalk... time to complete it! Never mind the GIANT ENVY-SNAKE above me, or the evil lady watching over me...

Array: *activates, spits out DEADED ZOMBIE ARMORS*

Random military guys: Did you do this!? Answer, or we shoot you! Oh hell, we might just try and shoot you anyways.

Armor!Al: Oh no you won't! *grabs Ed, flees*

Ed: Wow, flailing away from certain death! That was remarkably nostalgic. What the hell are you doing back in that get-up again though ;_;

Armor!Al: Well, you see, my soul is stuck here, but not stuck well enough that I can stay to explain to you that I'm really alive and safe :D See ya later, brother! *pseudo-death scene*

Ed: ... yup, own personal hell.


*Back at the apartment*

Ed: Hey Alfons, I ran into Al! You know, MY Al. The one that doesn't suck.

Alfons: ... D: *EMO*

Alter!Bradley: Hey thug-from-nowhere, drop everything and come talk to me.

Ed: ... engh, sure why not. What else would I be doing right now (besides trying to get back to Al through the Gate)?

Alfons (off screen): Me?

Ed: *goes to see Alter!Bradley*

Alter!Bradley: *is revealed to be Fritz Lang*

Fritz: So I am here to warn you that in the future everything will be controlled by a race of super-men who will cause the lesser races to slave away in subterranean steam punk squalor—oh wait, I meant, the guys you're working with are trying to start a war.

Ed: !!!

Fritz: Engh, but don't worry about that. I don't want you to get yourself shot up... until you're being my fulltime thug, takin' bullets.

Ed: Fuck you, leaving now kthanx!


*Back at apartment*

Alfons: *packs clothing*

Ed: Hey Alfons, your boss is evil! Stop building that rocket thing.

Alfons: ... Edward, ever notice how my clothes are all in the room you sleep in?

Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.

Alfons: ... ever notice how that implies your bed should be MY bed, especially cause you know, they only show one?

Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.

Alfons: ... okay, that's it, I GIVE UP, I'm leaving. I'm dying, I don't have much time left, I have a dream, YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO SEE THAT I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES... *sudden attack, bleeds all over*

Ed: !!!

Alfons: *leaves*

Ed: ;_;

Noah: Don't worry about that, honey. Alfons is obviously on the rag.


*Later*

Noah: *is creepy*

Ed: *is MINDRAPED*


*Meanwhile in Amestris*

Winry: Hey Shez, ever notice how all we do all day is visit the graves of our loved ones?

Shez: We could have hot lesbian sex instead...

Winry: Whoa! Look what I found. Gee, I wonder who could have done this.

Flowers on Maes' Grave: ROY WuZ HERE

Winry: Anyways, on to the matter at hand. Shez, darling, can you sneak me into that underground city? Cause I totally know that Wrath and Al are there.

Shez: What would they be doing in the underground city?

Winry: I don't know, but if I were an Elric and an abomination against nature, that's totally where I'd go to hang out.

Shez: Oh, all right... I'll take you. Does that mean I get to bang you?

Winry: ... maybe later.


*In Central*

Al: Hey Wrath, what exactly are we doing in this underground city?

Wrath: Oh, no reason. *whistles*

Al: Crap, you've attracted a... dopey looking tentacle monster.

Wrath: Oh goddammit, Gluttony.

*Cue additional fight scene*


*Back in Munich*

Noah: Sorry Ed. But I mindraped you, and I'm having your Gate babies and giving them to the Nazis.

Ed: Huh whut?

Hughes: *is randomly a Nazi*

Ed: Huh whut?

Car: FRITZ LANG to the rescue! *busts through wall to free Ed*


*Cut to the villa*

Random military guys: By the way, Alfons, you won't be firing your rocket outside. Check out our new retractable dome! We installed it so Tampa Bay could play here.

Alfons: Huh whut?

Ed: *RANDOMLY PILOTS A BIPLANE* *CRASHES THROUGH WINDOW*

Alfons: Indiana Ed! My hero!

Ed: Noah! Don't open that gate!

Noah: But but, I wanna see YOUR world! I wanna go there and live forever and be happy and a princess and Those Mean Girls will never pick on me again ;_;

Ed: ... congratulations, you've now acheived Sue-strumentality.


*Back in Amestris*

Wrath: *is chomped* AL! TRANSMUTE ME, I WANT TO DIE!

Al: I don't think... ah, what the hell. *opens Gate*

Wrath: YAY MOM! And thus, I am the only happy person in the movie, at all.


*Back in Munich*

Shoulder pads: Last warning, boy. Open the gate, or Daddy gets it.

Hohenheim (in Envy's mouth): Man, spending "quality time" with family sucks. Edward, go home to your brother. *is deaded*

Ed: *is in shock*

Ed: *is shot*

Eckhart: *blows smoke off gun barrel* All must obey the will of the Shoulder Pads. NOW WHERE ARE MY STORMTROOPERS!?

Armors: *menace menace*

Alfons: Oh Indy! Good thing you have your Indy-powers, she shot you in a good guy spot!

Ed: That's good but uh, what am I doing in this rocket?

Alfons: Going home.

Ed: ... what, now you want to get rid of me? D: Manic, much?

Alfons: Yeah, I want to prove I'm my own person. Let's see that other Al be half as manly as THAT :P

Ed: Alfons! *whine* But I'm claustrophobic!

Alfons: *watches happily*

Alfons: *is shot*

Maypirate: Hooray!

Noah-Sue: *shimmering Sue tears* Edddddd, take me WITH youuuuuu!

Ed: STFU NOW, KTHANX! *accelerates*


*Meanwhile*

Eckart: Hey, I picked up gate babies! Ahahaha, take THAT shoulder pads! Now /me controls J00!!! Today the shoulder pads, tomorrow the UNIVERSE!

Winry/Shez/Al: OMFG ROCKET!

Ed: Whoaaaa...

Winry: ED! *tackle-glomp*

Ed: Correction, whoa boobies. *blush*

Al (laid back): Hey, niisan. 'Sup.

Ed: Oh, hey bro. Not much... aside from the unholy forces of hell currently running amok in Central!!!

Al: Whoops, my bad.

Winry: Hey while we're at it, have some automail! I've just been carrying this around for years in case you should ever come back from the dead :D

Armors: *menace menace*

Havoc: Gee, ever notice how these are the slowest moving shock troops, ever?

Breda: But woe, for we are all still screwed!

Havoc: No wonder, if we all shoot as poorly as that Eckhart chick does >:|

Roy: *shows up, explodes things*

Everyone: IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.

Roy: Hey, it's not my fault. Without Fullmetal around, nothing pissed me off enough to make me want to blow things up :P

Al: I see dead people... they're every where... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Ed: Yup. Another day, another genocide.

Al: Cheerful, aren't we.

Ed: Well, now that you've had your emotional virginity raped away, how's about we go kick some ass?

*Cue another gratuitious fight scene*

Roy: Hey Ed, 'sup?

Ed: Not much, Roy, 'sup?

Al: You know, we're all taking this pretty well, niisan randomly being alive and all.

Roy: Well, you know. Central blowing up, you assume Fullmetal has to be involved somehow.

Al: Point.

Ed: Screw you guys, I'm going home! Al, I'm drawing a line down the center of this Gate-baby!ship.

Al: D: What?!

Ed: I have to go back and destroy the Gate. God knows why we don't just explode it on this side.

Al: Noooooooooooo! If you do that, Hyde will become canon!!!

Alfons (from beyond grave): DAMMIT, but I'm dead now! D: Even when I win, I lose ;_;

*Ship flies back through Gate*

Winry: *sad smile* Well, at least I don't have to wait for him to get a sex drive anymore.

Shez: ... can we have hot lesbian sex now, then?

Winry: *shrug* Okay, why not :P

Slash fans: *sadly, shun hot pairing*

*Back in Munich*

Everyone: *gasp*

Ed: Alfons! *gasp*

Alfons (from beyond grave): Wait, you seriously came back!? Dumbass, now my Selfless Sacrifice was meaningless.

Al (pops out of armor): But mine wasn't! 'Sup, brother!

Ed: AL! What are you doing here?

Al: Not much, hanging around, watching the game... oh yeah, I wanted to be with you.

Ed: But I—oh, fine. Cue the Elricest, then?

Al: Yeah, probably. HEY, SLASH FANS...

Slash fans: Okay, we're up for this one!

EdnAl: *destroy gate, save the day*


*Later... *

Noah-Sue: *does a random gypsy dance on Alfons' grave*

Alter!Hughes: *randomly hooks up with Alter!Gracia*

Ed: Well, now that we're stuck in this alter world... what should we do?

Al: We could randomly go back to that whole megaweapon thing that was floating around since the beginning of the movie.

Ed: Oh yeah! Sure, why not. Indiana!Ed rides again!


*And last, but certainly not least, back in Amestris... *

Winry: *randomly playing with Den*

Winry: To hell with man. Dog is woman's best friend :P