"Roy Mustang, are you ready?"
Roy blinked, completely confused and bewildered. "Hughes? Where am I?"
The black-haired investigator smiled. "Why, you're at your wedding, of course. I can imagine how the excitement would make you lose touch with reality a bit, but it's real!" He wrapped an arm around Roy, and laughed. "You finally took my advice and settled down! Not quite what I had in mind, of course, but I'm so happy for you!"
Roy looked down, trying to get a grasp of the situation. Both he and Hughes were in white tuxedos, corsages in place, but Roy couldn't find his pyrotex gloves. The room he was in was fairly small, too; little more than a glorified closet, without even a mirror. "Hughes... who's the—"
"Come on, Roy!" Hughes laughed, and adjusted his glasses. "The two of you have been together for years now! Never thought that you'd be the one for a monogamous relationship... but I guess that goes to prove that you're just full of surprises!"
Who is it!? Betty? Catherine? No... maybe Riza? Michelle? Paula? Come on, Hughes, give me a hint here! "S-so... what do you think about...?"
"My thoughts?" Hughes scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I guess you couldn't have done better, under the circumstances. Though I never would have seen it coming, of course; but like I said, you're just full of surprises! I just hope that the two of you have a long, happy life together... just like me and Gracia!"
"Thanks, Hughes, that helps me so much." Roy held the bridge of his nose, and tottered. "I... I don't know if I'm ready for—"
Hughes hauled him back up to his feet. "Getting nervous already? Well, that's understandable. I was the exact same way at my wedding, remember? I think that, the more nervous you are at the wedding, the longer and happier the marriage will be. And if that's true..." He smiled. "You two are going to be together forever!"
Forever!? Roy nearly fainted, but once more, Hughes held him up and pulled out a watch. "Ah, it's about that time. Ready?"
"No! No, I'm not! Cancel it! I don't want to get—"
Hughes's grip tightened to a vise-like state. "Now, now, Roy. As the best man, it's my duty to make sure that you don't do something that you'll regret later. So that means that I'll drag you kicking and screaming down that aisle if I have to!" He said all of this with a perfectly happy expression, definitely into the wedding spirit.
"If you force me, it'll be something that you will regret, Hughes!" Roy was squirming at this point, and shouted, "So help me, Hughes, you're taking this too far—"
"Roy Mustang!" Riza Hawkeye burst into the room, eyes blazing. "What's taking you so long?"
"That's Lieutenant Hawkeye, sir." She was very obviously not in a good mood. "The nerve, sir! First you spurn my advances, and now you ask me to be the flower girl?" Her tone was low and quite dangerous, a tone that was generally reserved for those few individuals that made Hawkeye... upset.
"W-what?" Roy backed up, trying to put Hughes between himself and any firearms that Hawkeye might have been carrying. "I honestly don't remember—"
"That would be the crux of the matter, sir." Her professional mask snapped back into place. "Many long years of happiness to you both, sir." And with that, she stormed out.
Hughes laughed. "Well, that's understandable. Let's go!" And despite Roy's protests, Hughes dragged him out and to the door of a rather large sanctuary. Peeking through the windows, Roy could see a throng seated on the pews, all of whom were looking at the door in anticipation.
Once more, Roy was on the verge of collapse. "Hughes! Why are there so many... so many..."
"People? Well, your soon-to-be decided to invite as many people as possible; and there were so many people that simply couldn't believe their ears when they heard the news that they wanted to see for themselves. So... we decided it would be a proper send-off. Let's see... we've got about half of the military brass here, most of Parliament, representatives from every major newspaper in Amestris, not to mention dignitaries from the four other countries and every province! I think the whole world's turned out to wish you happiness, my boy!" Maes laughed once more, and reached for the door handle.
Roy spun around to see Edward Elric, dressed in a tuxedo, rushing towards them. "We've made a mistake, Hughes! We can't let him go in yet!"
"Why not? The crowd's getting impatient!"
"We got the wrong outfit!" Edward ran an auto-mail hand through his blond hair, and elaborated, "We need for Roy to match, and we don't have time to replace what he's got! What should we do?"
Roy piped up, "We can always just cancel—"
"Nonsense!" Hughes stroked his chin, then clapped his hands. "We'll just have to improvise!" So saying, he took off his tuxedo coat, and drapped it over Roy's shoulders. "Edward, use your alchemy to make as close a copy as possible."
"Brilliant!" Edward smiled, and clapped his hands. "Close your eyes, Roy; this is going to take some work."
Roy tried to struggle, but Hughes's hands clenched him tightly and kept him from moving as the alchemic reaction swept over him. After a moment of uncomfortable itchiness, as the fabric changed and shifted, the light faded.
The first thing Roy noticed was the fact that he couldn't see. A thick fringe of cloth hung over his face, preventing any sort of light from getting through. "Full Metal! What have you done? I can't—"
"Well, there was too much fabric left over, and I could either put it in your train or on your veil."
"Train? Veil? You mean... I'm in a wedding gown!?"
"Yep!" Roy felt a hand wrap around his shoulder; obviously Hughes's, from the grip. "Your husband thought that it would be a nice touch."
A voice, Edward's, chuckled, "Yep! I never saw it coming, either! Though I can imagine why you'd be so sore over the whole matter. I mean, this just tops everything, doesn't it?" Edward burst out laughing, and Roy felt himself being moved. "Well, let's get this show on the road!"
"Hughes! Full Metal! I don't know what's going on, but please..."
"Sorry, Roy. But if you cancel the wedding now, then you'll be the laughingstock of the whole world. Sure you want that?"
"Any more than I already am? Maes Hughes, I am in a wedding gown! This can't possibly get worse!"
"I wouldn't be so sure, Colonel." Edward's voice was more hushed, now; possibly because he had opened the door. "Just wait until the honeymoon! Though I still don't quite know what he sees in you..."
"It's true that they're nothing alike, Edward, but..." Hughes laughed. "Opposites attract, right? Like Gracia and I; we're nothing alike, but I don't think either of us would be happy apart. It has to be the same way!"
Roy was tottering now, and would easily have collapsed if Hughes wasn't there to hold him up. He obediently trotted beside his best friend, mind whirling. Husband? Wedding gown? Who's the husband? What's going on!? Will someone please tell me what's going on?
No, think rationally. What hints have they given you? It's got to be someone that they both know... the military, then? Hm... Fury? Havoc? Broche? Farman? Or maybe... Armstrong!? He trembled violently at the mental image of Armstrong in a tuxedo, sparkles active, whispering soft words of endearing passion to him as they...
It can't be! It's got to be a mistake!
"And at the request of the bride, the full ceremony has been cancelled—" Loud murmurs of discontent from the audience, at the person Roy could only guess was the priest. "Therefore, we will simply move on to the important part. By the power vested in me by Holy Ishbala and the State—"
Roy had to collapse. Scar's officiating my wedding!?But... but...
"I now pronounce you man and... husband. You may kiss the bride."
Roy trembled as he felt fingers brush against the fringe of his veil. Who is it? Who!? The fingers seemed wrong, somehow; hard and forceful as they nearly ripped Roy's veil away.
To reveal a nearly seven-foot-tall suit of armor, dressed in a black tuxedo. "Mr. Roy Elric, I'm so happy to finally be married to you!" And with that, Alphonse swooped down to claim a kiss as Roy screamed and screamed as the audience cheered and tears came to Edward's eyes...
And Roy screamed himself awake. He was in his own bed, under his own covers, and he was naked. Somehow, that was a relief.
Even more relieving was the fact that Alphonse Elric; a human Alphonse Elric, a naked and beautiful Alphonse Elric, was curled up against him, smiling softly in his sleep. Still more relieving was the fact that the boy was so small; a good six inches shorter than Roy was.
The Colonel laughed in nigh-hysterical gales as he hugged Alphonse close. "Small! Small! So very, very small! Don't ever grow up, Alpho—"
The boy whapped Mustang over the head, and grumbled, "'m not small! Still growing! Stop laughing and let me sleep..." And with one last snuggle, Alphonse curled up against him once more, and went back to sleep.
Roy laughed, but stopped as a detail caught him. a dream. It was all just a dream. But if that's true... then why are we wearing identical gold rings?