jade pen


"Let me get this straight—you want to kiss me to support a theory!?" Edward Elric's voice was somewhere between stunned disbelief and adamant refusal. "Absolutely not, you bastard Colonel!" His golden eyes glared straight into the smirking face of his superior officer. "I don't care what the hell kind of rumors you've been hearing, but your lips are not going anywhere near me! Got it?"

"I'm afraid not, Full Metal." Roy Mustang smirked and stood up. One of the perks of being in Eastern was that he had his own office, seperate from those of his subordinates. It almost made up for being sent away from the center of military command and the best chances of getting promoted... almost. But this would, quite possibly, make up for it. "Military regulations state that you have to obey my orders, or you'll have to turn in your watch. And," he smoothly added, "we both know that you won't do that."

Edward ground his teeth in frustration. It was true, he did have to follow orders... but he didn't have to make it easy, either. "And isn't it another one of your precious regulations that you can't kiss one of your officers?" He put his hands on his hips, absolutely defiant. "Especially one that's fourteen years younger than you are, and especially one that's of your same gender, you perverted bastard!"

"Very true," Mustang nodded in agreement. "All of that is very, very true, Full Metal."

A long, awkward pause ensued. Finally, Edward ventured, "And?"

Mustang pushed his chair under his desk, smiling. "That's all, Full Metal. Fraternization is completely forbidden, I am a pervert, and you are still going to kiss me. Or I will be forced to refer to you as 'That kid over there.'"

"I'm not some kind of toddler you can just send to a daycare, you perverted bastard!" Golden eyes narrowed in fury. "And I'd rather die than kiss you! You'd taste like smoke anyway!"

"Hm..." The Colonel seemed quite amused by this. "I would say that I've had enough feedback to say, with absolute certainty, that my lips do not taste like smoke. As for what they do... opinions vary. Some people say sweet as candy, others warm and hard, yet others spicy and exotic... You'll have to find out for yourself." He started walking around the desk. "Because, as you well know—"

"Stop right there!" Edward stomped his automail foot, thrusting up a hand in a stopping motion. "You stay on that side of the desk, and I stay on this side! There is no chance in hell that you're going to touch me, I don't want to find out, and you'd better stop right there if you value your fingers!"

All during this, Roy hadn't stopped moving, and was now standing right in front of Edward, looking down at his subordinate. Lightly, as though Edward's rant hadn't happened, he finished, "Once I've formed a theory, I won't stop until I confirm it's authenticity. You are going to help me, Full Metal, one way or the other." Black eyes narrowed.

For a long moment, they glared at each other: Edward cornered, trapped, and hating it; Roy supremely confident that he could win, but he wouldn't be satisfied with such a hollow thing. He wanted to confirm his theory, yes, but there were other considerations to be taken into account. Finally, he offered, "You never did ask what theory I wish to confirm."

"I don't care." Edward's voice was low, defeated, and almost sulky. "Just get it over with, bastard, so I can get back to Al."

Surprisingly, Roy took a step forward and to the side, so that Edward had to turn to face him. "This should do, Full Metal." He gave a small, almost depreciating smirk. "You may want to close your eyes, if you truly are that adverse to it."

"I-I'm a man, damn it, and I can take anything you can dish out. Eyes open," Edward growled. "Just hurry it up, all ready! It's not like I have all day!"

"Of course, Full Metal." He started leaning forward, smiling slightly as he saw golden eyes remaining open; Edward's lips were remaining tight and resisting, but otherwise, it looked like he had won the day. As, of course, he knew that he would. He leaned a little bit closer; now he could smell Edward distinctly; oil and metal, a slight hint of soap and shampoo that had gotten trapped in the braid, sweat with a tinge of nervousness about it... A little bit closer, so that their lips were almost touching, close enough that the Colonel could feel warm breath ghosting across his face, shorter and faster now, as Edward was nearly panting without him having to lift a finger. He'd just need to close that gap, claim those lips with his own, and the entire exercise would be proven—

Correct. The door flew open, as First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye burst into a room, a gun pointed directly at the space between their lips, an extremely effective warning to not proceed. Almost as effective as the barked, harsh command, "Don't even think about it, Colonel Mustang, sir!" Almost as effective as the hard, narrowed amber eyes; that seemed to pierce through Roy more completely than any bullet could.

The Colonel sighed as he straightened back up. "As I thought; the Lieutenant really is stalking me. That will be all, Full Metal." He made a dismissive wave of his hand, returning to his desk.

Edward's gaze instantly bored into him. "What was that!?"

Sitting himself down, Roy merely offered, "My theory. I heard rumors that the Lieutenant had me on around-the-clock surveillance, breaks or vacations disregarded, and I wished to know this for myself. Therefore..." He gestured, "I tested it. And she is," he added, gazing at Hawkeye with amusement... and a bit of alarm. "I have dealt with my fair share of stalkers, Lieutenant, but I never thought that I'd have to deal with one in my own staff."

"Forgive me, sir." She offered a salute that was anything but apologetic. "But someone has to make sure you don't make stupid mistakes. Which means—"

"I am not a 'stupid mistake!'" Edward stomped his foot on the ground, glaring at Roy. "You bastard... you just used me to test a theory!?" When Roy offered nothing more than a smirk in response, he spun around. "Well, congratulations! Next time you need someone to test a theory on, use yourself or Lieutenant Breda, you stupid..." He stormed out, brushing past a concerned Hawkeye, muttering, "Would have tasted like smoke anyway!"

The door slammed with a resounding crash, and Roy and Riza were alone in his office. After a brief moment, he offered, "If you wish to stalk me, Lieutenant, I do know of a nice—"

"Don't even try it, sir." Hawkeye offered a brief salute. "Fraternization is strictly forbidden. And you were, if you'll forgive me for saying so, a bastard." With that, she turned on her heel and followed Edward, obviously a bit upset over the whole ordeal.

After a moment, just to make sure that neither of them were going to come back, Roy let a far-too-amused grin cross his face. "My theory is right after all... if she's worried about Fullmetal, she won't bother trying to make me do more paperwork." He leaned back in his chair, and laughed. "What should I do with my sudden day off...?"