Al (voiceover): Alchemy. It's all fun and games until somebody loses a limb and creates an abomination.
Chibi Ed and Al: *doom, blood, monsters, gore, small children ripped into bloody pieces*
Ed: Well, that's a promising start.
Audience: Okay, so this Ed guy is like Vash, right, only small and girly?
Ed: I AM NOT SMALL AND GIRLY.
Audience: Are so.
Ed: Am not.
Audience: Are so.
Ed: *takes off coat*
Audience that has not swooned or died of nosebleed: ...Are not!
Ed: This miracle stuff the priest is doing defies the laws of science. What's up with that?
Al: Hey, niisan, wouldn't it be funny if it turned that what the priest is saying is true and that people can be brought back from the dead after all if you just believe hard enough and the only reason you mucked up and got us ripped into pieces and created an abomination is because you're an dirty little sinner?
Al: I'm just sayin'.
Ed: Religion is stupid. Science is the truth. And I can say this because as a lifelong devotee of science, I am of course entirely free of bias.
Episode 2: Body of Taboo
Ed: Why use the door when you can make one of your own? Literally.
Cornello: Corrupt alchemists!
Al: But but we're not like that! We studied alchemy and performed human transmutation in order to bring back our beloved mother but we messed up and created a monster and now my brother can do alchemy without a circle because of it and my body was destroyed and my brother sacrificed an arm to bind my soul into this armor so I'm indestructible unless you destroy the blood seal and
Ed: Um, Al. You do realize that you're divulging our life's history, most painful secrets, and most deadly weaknesses to the people who hate us and are trying to kill us?
Al: Mou, niisan, you can just take off your coat again and they'll all swoon over you.
Ed: Not the audience, idiot, the priest. Who's attacking us, so it's time to look cool.
Cornello: Rather than being a man of the faith, it turns out I'm a con man who's out to exploit the gullible masses for my own benefit. Surprise, surprise.
Ed: Well, if you weren't a real priest, that explains why you were immune to the coat trick, anyway.
Roze: You broke our cult!
Ed: Well, here. Start a new one and devote it to me. You still have legs, don't you? Unlike SOME OF US.
Roze: (...So hot!)
Ed: I'm sure these brief inspirational statements I make now won't come back to haunt me forty episodes from now.
Chibi Ed and Al: We are the genius kid alchemists!
Ed: Our father left us. I hate him.
Al: Well, it could be worse. At least parents don't ever die.
Winry: Wah wah!
Al: Well, it could be worse. At least our mother is still alive.
Al: Well, it could be worse. At least me and my brother are both safe and have young and healthy bodies.
Ed: *bleeds profusely*
Al: Well, it could be worse. At least our house is still standing.
Al: Well, it could be—
Al: Yes, niisan?
Ed: Shut up, okay?
Al: Yes, niisan.
Episode 4: Transmutation of Love
BONES: This episode has no purpose.
Audience: Then we can skip it, right?
BONES: No, because just like every other episode in this series, there's important plot stuff you can't miss.
BONES: But to make up for it, here's a cool train robbery episode!
Episode 5: Dash! Auto-mail
Roy: I'm just yankin' your chain.
Hakuro: Don't I look like a good guy? See, I even have a wife and kids!
Bard: Nobody move!
Ed: Except us. To the batmobile, Al!
Al: Okay, but don't fall off any moving trains.
Ed: Eheh, my bad.
Ed and Al kick some major ass*
Ed: Sorry, foot slipped.
Episode 6: State Alchemist Qualification Exam
Nina: Look at me! I'm so cute! I'm so lovable! Big Brothers, you'll love me, right? WHEE!
Ed: No way. We're rough and tough alchemists.
Ed: Argh, dammit! No way! I'm too manly for that sort of thing!
Ed: Gah... fine. I love you too. Say, Hughes, why dont you introduce me to a fleeting moment of precious domestic bliss, so that it will be all the more poignant when it later gets ripped away?
Hughes: Don't mind if I do.
Fuhrer: Look, he passed the exam with flying colors. Get it? Flying colors! Ha ha!
Roy: Permission to shoot myself, sir.
Episode 7: The Night the Chimera Cries
Tucker: I go the quiet kind of psycho.
Ed: TUCKER, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I'm going to strangle you with my bare hands!
Al: Niisan, wait, no! Remember those waivers we signed? No strangling!
Ed: Oh, dammit. Well, can I stab the bastard?
Ed: Target practice?
Al: Sorry, no.
Ed: Umm... can I shove my hand through his chest?
Al: Not for another thirty-four episodes... no.
Ed: Dammit! Well, I guess I'll just whale on him, then.
Ninalex: Don't you be hatin' on my dad, bitch.
Basque "We Hates Him Precious" Gran: Move out, everybody.
Scar: My arm talks to me.
BONES: What, you thought this was going to be a happy show?
Episode 8: Philosopher's Stone
Ed: Obviously, the best way to revenge Nina's death is to strip myself of all the resources I might need to pursue it.
Al: I hate having to be the rational one.
Ed: That's why I never do it.
Winry: I randomly appear in this episode! And I refer to myself in the third person!
Barry: I'm creepier than any man in a dress has any right to be.
Ed: And I'm smart enough to figure out where the murderer is, but dumb enough to get whacked on the head from behind.
Ed performs a-fuckin-mazing alchemy with one hand missing and the other tied behind his back*
Ed: Oh, no! I'm so helpless!
Ed lays beatdown on Barry*
Ed: Oh, no! I'm so weak!
Ed prepares to skewer Barry through the chest*
Ed: Oh, no! He's going to kill me! Why am I so worthless?
Al: Hey, niisan, just in case you'd forgotten, I WANT MY BODY BACK, yo.
Ed: Oh yeah, that.
Episode 9: Silver Watch of the Dog of the Military
Ed: I'm depressed.
Al: I'm worried.
Roy: I'm manipulative.
Villagers: We're ungrateful.
Yoki: I'm corrupt.
Lyla: I'm not, despite all appearances, a random throwaway character designed to portray the alchemists who sells her soul for favors.
Audience: Sure you're not.
Lyla: Okay, okay, I'm just here to wear the maid outfit.
Ed: Can this flashback be over already? Geez, it's been going on for six episodes now.
Al: Now that the flashback is over, shouldn't we be getting back to Central?
Ed: Yeah, but there's plot stuff waiting for me there. Let's have a few episodes of amusing filler first.
Al: Hello, Nurse!
Ed: Stop thief! *grope grope*
Psiren: Don't mind me, go back to what you were doing.
Ed: YOU'RE A GIRL!
Psiren: The catsuit, the hair, the legs and the bodice didn't tip you off?
Al: I believe your innocence, Clara!
Ed: Y'know, Al, I keep you around to make my brilliance look good, but this is just embarrassing.
Psiren: Let's have sex.
Ed: By which you mean "duel with alchemy," right?
Psiren: *sigh* The cute ones are always gay.
Episode 11-12: Gravel Earth
Pseudo!Ed and Al: We're immoral alchemists who dump toxic substances into the town water supply on forged credentials for no discernible motivations!
Pseudo!Al: But I'm lovable.
Pseudo!Ed: And I'm hot.
Pseudo!Ed and Al: So you'll forgive us, right?
Magwar: Oh lookie, a new set of immoral alchemists in town! Guess I can dump these losers and trade up.
Pseudo!Ed and Al: Hey!
Ed: I'll save your butts because my brother has bonded with your brother. But I still hate you.
Pseudo!Ed: Ah, don't be that way. Look, we saved the town from being drenched in toxic substance!
Al: By releasing it into the air. Great plan.
Magwar: Boy, gives a whole meaning to the word "redwood." Get it? Redwood? Ha ha! *dies*
Ed: These two episodes were a waste of time.
Al: Oh come on, niisan, we got our Requisite Clue. Plus you humped my leg, so it wasnt a total waste!
Ed: ...Shut up.
Episode 13: Flame vs. Fullmetal
Al: I spend this episode being cute.
Ed: Well, having gotten our Requisite Clue, here we are back in Central. Time to go work off my tension by hitting on – I mean, hitting Roy.
Roy: Ha ha. No.
Roy: Why can't my subordinates be more like dogs? You know, faithful, obedient, walk around naked except for collars...
Ed: I'm obliged to beat you now.
Roy: Oh yeah? ph33r 1337 c0mb47 41|<3mi3! *snappy snappy*
Scar: My arm is telling me to go around killing people. Wasn't there a movie like this starring Seth Green?
Ed: Avon lady calling.
Marco: Go away! I already have a vacuum cleaner!
Al: It's so cool being bulletproof.
Basque "We Hates Him Precious" Gran: Move 'em out.
Scar: Oh lookie, a State Alchemist.
Ed: I've suddenly lost my taste for hamburger.
Scar: Oh lookie, a State Alchemist.
Ed: Crap! This guy out-cools me!
Armstrong: Interrupt! Halt, villain! I am Louis Alex Armstrong, and I am the Strongarm Alchemist! Get it? Arm-strong? Strong-arm? Get it?
Episode 15: The Ishvar Massacre
Scar: Please hold still while I work out my fratricidal urges on you.
Ed: Sure. Just promise me you won't kill my little brother.
Scar: I wasn't planning to kill him, but okay.
Al: My brother is being calm for a change, which means it's my turn to FREAK OUT! NIISAN! HOW COULD YOU? I swear that if you die, I'll go on a homicidal rampage just like Scar did! So there!
Ed: God, we're a mess. Totally lame. And we all know I'd rather be dead than uncool.
Al: But we're not dead. We're alive.
Ed: Yeah. We're alive.
Ed: Well, I am, anyway. You're still sort of animate-dead.
Ed: But that's okay, because I'm the important one anyway.
Al: If most of me wasn't lying in splinters across the alleyway, I'd clean your clock for that, niisan.
Episode 16: Lost Thing
Soldiers: Let's all make fun of the crippled kid!
Ed: I hate you all. So much.
Al: I'd stick up for you, niisan, but I'm still kind of pissed at you about the deathwish thing.
Ed: This sucks. Let's go back to Rizenbul.
BONES: And just because Ed and Al aren't feeling down enough, let's make it rain and have them be kidnapped and dismembered by amoral brats!
Random veteran: And just to drive the knife in, I'll serve as your monthly reminder that your quest is ultimately futile!
Ed: I HATE YOU ALL. SO MUCH.
Episode 17: The House Where the Family Waits
Winry: Dammit Ed, you've been doing dangerous things again, and put so much strain on your automail that it broke! Stop that!
Pinako: On the other hand, that's more money for us.
Winry: ...So obviously the solution is to give you cheaper, lighter automail! And just to be sure, I'll conveniently forget an important piece to it.
Ed: I get naked for you people and this is the thanks I get?
Fangirls: WET NAKED ED!
Al: Yay, we're all fixed! Time to go back to Central and have more plot and angst!
Fangirls: Sorry, we stopped paying attention at the WET NAKED ED!
Ed: I leave town for one bloody week and somebody burns down the bloody library?
Lust/Gluttony/Scar: Yeah, our bad.
Ed: I know! I'll transmute the ashes back into library form.
Al: Sorry, niisan, that's just pushing the limits of believability. Remember, alchemy is a SCIENCE.
Ed: But I really, really need that book!
Sciezska: Did somebody call for a savant? Yomiko Readman to the rescue!
Ed: I love you. Let's have sex. Here, I'll give you an insane amount of money for it.
Ross: Why is this kid a National Alchemist?
Al: Because he's better than you.
Ed: Boo! This research entails too much angst!
Episode 19: The Truth Behind All Truths
Ed: I don't wanna do my homework! I'll throw dishes instead!
Al: Hey, niisan, in case you've forgotten, I WANT MY BODY BACK.
Ross: Here, let me give you vague motherly support that will advance the plot. You should have more faith in adults.
Al: You obviously missed the part where every adult we ever trusted either abandoned or betrayed us. Not that we're bitter about that or anything.
Ed: I'm sure this habit of ours of writing down our plans and leaving them around on pieces of paper for anyone to read won't get us in trouble. ...Twice.
Scar: Hey, it wouldn't have helped anyone who didn't have a GPS computer built into their arm.
Ed: ...Dammit. Winry, can you give me an arm like that?
Winry: No, but I did forget an important part. Ah ha ha ha...
Al: DAMMIT, WINRY! HE NEEDS THAT TO TO NOT DIE!
Episode 20-22: Crimson Glow
Ed: The plot won't let up from now until I'm carried out unconscious. Let's rock, Al.
Al: Okay. We've reached the dark and scary place. What's the plan?
Ed: I go in and investigate. You stay out here and don't do anything. I need more screen time lately.
Al: Fuck you, niisan.
Ed: Not right now.
Samurai Dude: Hi, I'm #48, and I'll be your killer for this evening. Although when you think about it, I really ought to have been #48 and #49, or at least #4 and #8, or something.
Ed: Time for me to reassert my coolness in a spectacular fight scene.
Samurai Dude: Look, I'm the same as your brother! Shock!
Ed: Fuck, that IS shocking. I've just lost my one-up position on the rest of the alchemy world!
Mononoke Ripoff: Look! I'm Barry the Chopper from episode 8! Shock!
Audience: ...holy fuck!
Barry: Now, watch me use painfully obvious mind tricks to fuck you over emotionally.
Al: And watch me fall for it, because I'm fourteen and terribly insecure.
Slicer: Now that you're sufficiently exhausted, wounded, and disabled, let's continue with our trap. Er, I mean, investigation.
Tucker: Hi, boys and girls!
Audience: ...HOLY FUCK! DOESN'T ANYONE STAY DEAD IN THIS SHOW?
Tucker: We have this convenient setup to create the Philosopher's Stone. But it can't be done by ordinary alchemists. Hint, hint.
Ed: Ignoring that blatant stroke to my ego... what the hell. I'll do it.
Lust/Envy/Gluttony: Buy soap.
Scar: Don't mind me, randomly wandering in and out of the plot.
Al: This was an embarrassingly one-sided fight.
Gluttony: *eats Al*
Al: I will never be able to enjoy fellatio again.
Lust: Okay, is all the plot here? Good. Make the stone, we want to be human.
Envy: Speak for yourself, I just wanna kick Ed while he's down. I like drowning kittens in sacks, too.
Ed: Fuck you!
Envy: Not right now.
Al: Don't do it, niisan!
Ed: Don't worry, he's not my type.
Al: No, you idiot, the killing people thing!
Ed: Oh yeah that. Heh heh.
Scar: Did somebody call for a deus ex machina?
Ed: Hey, look! I'm a disco strobe!
Everybody whose legs still work: *runs like hell*
Soldiers: Hey, wait! WE were supposed to be the deus ex machina!
Al: Don't worry, you'll get your chance. After all, I'm paralyzed while my brother's brain fries and the roof falls in around us.
Ross: Nothing a little motherly hug can't fix. Oof.
Ed: FINALLY! I've been waiting what, twenty-two episodes?!
Episode 23: Heart of Steel
Hughes: I've only got a few more episodes to be cool in, so I'd better hurry up.
Ed: Ross told me to trust adults more, so I guess I can open up to you, Hughes.
Hughes: Don't worry! I'm sure this information won't doom me!
Ed: Well that's a relief. Are you sulking, Al?
Al: As I recall, you weren't too happy after just having your limbs chewed off either. Oh, and don't forget that this is ALL YOUR FAULT.
Ed: Boy, didn't that just twist the knife?
Hughes: Observe how hot I look in this shirt.
Ed: Hello, Winry? My automail broke.
Winry: Wow, who could foresee THAT happening? I'll come fix it.
Ed: So I can fix Al, yay!
Al: Allowing me to graduate to new and more mobile fields of sulking, yay!
Episode 24: Affixing Memories
Al: I'm having an existential crisis. These things are a lot more severe when you don't actually, y'know, exist.
Rick and Leo: Allow us to distract you with our oppressedness.
Al: You're Ishvarians, like Scar! Boy! Why didn't I think of Scar earlier? If there's a better person to go to for emotional validation and reassurance than a proven sociopath whose stated goal in life is to kill my brother, I can't imagine who!
Ed: You dumbass, don't you realize that it's always about MY angst?
Al: Oh right. Well, let's jump in front of danger for each other to make the fangirls happy, and call it a day.
Scar: Al, you're human. Because my arm also has the script programmed in, and it told me so.
Al: Oh, thank you! That's MUCH more convincing than the evidence of the people who have known me all my life!
Episode 25: Farewell Ceremony
Old Ishvar Man: Listen, boy, the way of Ishvarra is the way of peace and compassion, and respect towards all living things. You know the saying, "If you are in pain, you can sleep, but if you cause pain, you cannot—"
Scar: Hold that thought a sec, grandpa. *blasts people into bloody chunks*
Old Ishvar Man: *sigh*
Hughes: Last chance for me to kick ass!
Roy: Y'know, the arcplot would have advanced a lot faster if you'd just TOLD ME STUFF.
Hughes: Can't. If we told you Ed had been hospitalized and Al ran off with a serial killer, you might get, you know, worried.
Envy: Time for me to claim my role as Designated Player-Killer.
Hughes: I still rock, but it isn't enough.
Roy: Here, Alicia, why dont you twist the knife in everybody with your childlike display of grief and incomprehension.
Alicia: Dont mind if I do.
Ed: I won't find out about this for nineteen more episodes. Roy, you suck.
Ed: Either we've been making gratuitous purchases on military funds just to piss Roy off, or one of us has really bad taste in comic books. And wtf is up with the toys?! Al?
Al: Umm... Look! New credits!
Ed: Well, here we are in Rush Valley, the land where standard practice seems to be to amputate the arm up to the shoulder if you so much as lose a finger.
Winry: Ed, pull out your silver clock so I can look at it.
Ed: WINRY! We're in PUBLIC!
Winry: No, no, your watch. I'm trying to impress my new girlfriend.
Al: Wow, I'm not the biggest freak on the block for a change. ^o^
Episode 27: Teacher
Izumi: Jehovah's witnesses calling!
Ed and Al: WAUUUGH.
Izumi: If you were to die today, where do you think you'd go? 'Cause you boys are ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
Ed: Hey, we already did. And so did you, or else you couldn't do the clappy thing either. Tell me, Sensei, did you ever perform human alchemy?
Izumi: You already asked me that once.
Al: Yeah, and you didn't answer then, either.
Izumi: Ummmm... *beatdown*
Ed and Al: WAUUUGH.
Episode 28: One is All, All is One
Izumi: You know what this season hasn't had any of yet? Flashback.
Chibi Ed and Al: Look, it's us again!
Fangirls: OMGCUTE. T_T
Chibi Ed: I may be only ten years old, but I'm already practicing my grim obsession look. I'll need that in the future.
Chibi Al: Me, I'll just practice my anxious look. I'll need that a lot in the future too.
Fangirls: OMGCUTE. T_T
Chibi Ed and Al: *starve*
Chibi Ed: *gets infected injury*
Chibi Al: *gets beaten up*
Fangirls: OMGCUTE. T_T
Chibi Ed: You people are sick.
Chibi Al: Wow, I am pretty cute, aren't I? ^_^
Fangirls: *die of kawaii*
Episode 29: Innocent Child
Moofie: Despite the fact that you quite plainly see me standing next to Envy in the credits wearing identical crazed grins, I am not a homunculus. Nope. Not at all. Because the homunculi are evil and I am cute and innocent.
Ed: You are too a homunculus.
Izumi: ED! *beatdown*
Izumi: Brief interlude for Plot, and also to make the audience cry with this heartrending flashback to Ed the night he lost his arm and leg.
Al: Speaking of which, niisan, I don't know if you noticed, but... he's armed.
Ed: YOU'RE WEARING MY LIMBS!
Izumi: ED! *beatdown*
Ed: Ow! Godammit!
Episode 30: Sin
Archer: Hi. My name is Archer and I'm Hughes' less sexy replacement. Behold, I have a similar obsession with small children, only in my case, it's creepy.
Izumi: Hold that thought for a moment, guys, it's time for my Plot.
Sig: ...And that's how Izumi perfected her "Slimmer Stomach in Sixty Seconds" diet which catapulted her to alchemy fame.
Audience: HOLY FUCK.
Archer: Look, a baby homunculus! *kidnap*
Episode 31: South Headquarters Assault
Archer: Give me the child!
Lizard: Give me the child!
Izumi: Give me the child!
Envy: Give me pizza... I mean the child!
Ed: GIVE ME MY LIMBS BACK!
South Headquarters: Give me a break.
Moofie: Waah! I'm not evil!
Envy: Yes you are.
Moofie: Oh right, I am.
Episode 32: The Deep Forest's Dante
Izumi: I may well be the only person in this series not putting out incest vibes.
Moofie: That's okay, I make up for it. Look, pointy teeth!
Ed: You there! Unhand my substitute mother figure! ...I mean teacher!
Izumi: No! Wait! This is my responsibility, not yours! Stay out of it!
Ed: He's trying to kill me. That sort of makes it my business.
Moofie: Wait, first I have to transform her clothes into my body. I did mention the vibes, right?
Al: I can do them too! Niisan, if you won't defend yourself, I'll defend you!
Moofie: Behold. Tentacles and bondage all in one. The fangirls will eat this up.
Al: HEY! GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THERE! RAPE!
Ed: I'll save you, Al!
Moofie: Curses! Defeated by the power of Elricest! I must retreat and stock up on disturbingly incestuous vibes for our next battle.
Sloth: Someone call?
Lyla: Hi! Bet you didn't believe me when I said I'd show up again!
Dante: For a place that's supposedly secluded from the world, this house is starting to look like Grand Central Station.
Greed's flunkies: (to Al) You're coming with us!
Al: T_T Even looking like this, there are still people who want to kidnap me and put things inside me and do bad things to me! So happy!
Martel: It's actually kind of comfy in here.
Al: Okay, Ms. Villain, but remember not to touch my secret weakness, which I'll tell you all about now.
Ed: *facepalm* Al, again with the telling our secret weaknesses to the enemies!
Greed: *lays smackdown on Ed* That was actually kind of fun! Like kicking a blond, hyperactive puppy.
Episode 33: Al Kidnapped
Greed: Boy, it's nice to have this secret hideout, where I can practice my pimpin' ways in peace, and my secret weakness is locked up nice and tight in THAT SAFE OVER THERE.
Kimberly: What, you mean THIS SAFE OVER HERE? Good to know.
Greed: Sorry, I lost my head. Ha ha! Get it?
Ed: Hi, cavalry arriving!
Greed: *lays smackdown on Ed* You know, I can sort of see why Envy was so into this. ^_^
Ed: I KEEL YOU.
Kimberly: Just checking, boss-man, you mean THIS SECRET WEAKNESS HERE, right?
Greed: Shock! The crazy sadistic alchemist betrayed me! No way I could have seen THAT coming!
Episode 34: Theory of Greed
Lyla: NO MORE FRENCH MAID OUTFITS! AAARGH!
Greed: Maybe eating all that questionable sushi for lunch wasn't such a good idea. BLEAAUGH!
Ed: Where's my brother?
Greed: Not telling, you can't make me, nyah! *lays smackdown on Ed* Ed: *lays uber-smackdown on Greed* Can so.
Greed: ...Well, fuck.
Ed: So, where's Al?
Greed: I forget. Here, have a bunch of very useful plot information.
Ed: ...Wait a minute! What's going on here? I thrust a metal blade through your heart and all of a sudden you're dead! I had no idea THAT would happen! AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Man: Our village is afflicted with a horrible disease and—
Audience: Don't care.
Woman: The man I love is in love with someone else and—
Audience: Don't care.
Man: My alchemy isn't good enough to save my people and—
Audience: DON'T CARE.
Envy: Just in case you'd forgotten what bastards we are, here it's revealed that we've spent the last god knows how many years going around torturing and slaughtering people wholesale in the faint hope that one of them will be desperate, clever, and crazy enough to create the Philosopher's Stone just to get us off their backs.
Ed: Hmm, doesn't that plan strike anyone else as a little chancy, oh, and DUMB-ASS?
Envy: ...so what? It worked.
Man: Lust, I love you!
Audience: Still don't care.
Lust: Maybe I'm not so much of a bitch after all. Oh wait, I am.
Man: *dies horribly*
Woman: *dies horribly*
Everyone in village: *dies horribly*
Audience: ...You know, it's a good thing we didn't care, because GEEEEUCH.
Ed, Al, and Winry: Why the hell are we even in this episode?
Episode 36: The Sinner Within Me
Ishvarite: The Ishvar people used to have alchemy.
Ishvarite: You thought that we were too stupid to have it, huh? You thought that just because we were a different ethnicity from you, we were too inferior to work alchemy, right?
Ed: Actually, it was more the fact that I've never seen an Ishvarite use it, that everyone I've ever asked has told me it's forbidden by your religion, and that as a matter of fact the only Ishvarite I know thought it was such an abomination that he had to kill anyone who used it, that led me to think that. Sheesh. Sensitive much?
Scar: Talk to the hand, the rest of me has no idea what I'm doing.
Episode 37: Flame Alchemist, Fight Lieutenant, Monster 13th Hangar
Roy: The purpose of this episode is to prove to all the watchers out there that the fanon stereotypes of me being a lazy, arrogant bastard of a womanizer are all completely grounded in canon. We will never see the end of this.
Hawkeye: Fanservice? No idea what you're talking about.
Armstrong: Now, as usual, despite the complete filler-like hilarity of this episode, there's actual important plot stuff that you need to know™, so please pay attention to this letter I put in your pocket while I groped you, Havoc.
Ed's seiyuu: I'M TALL. OmgYES.
Al's seiyuu: I'M SMALL AND CUTE. OmgYES. And just to drive the point home, look how I can't even play minor characters without throwing in incest vibes.
Roy: Please allow me a moment of Rockbell angst, and then we can continue with me being brave and sexy and commanding.
Breda, Farman, Fury: (...So hot!)
Archer: Break it up, guys. Back to the plot.
Episode 38: With the River's Flow
Al: Hey, if you keep hanging out in there, I'm going to have to charge you rent.
Martel: I gave up a lucrative career as a porn star to get revenge on the military, so I'm damn well not going to pass up free lodgings.
Winry: Here I am in a dark, secluded tunnel with a bank of machinery and a cute girl. I'm in heaven.
Episode 39: Eastern Civil War
Roze: Bet you didn't expect to see me again, did you?
Ed: I give up. Nobody ever stays gone in this series.
Scar: Guess what, it was a National Alchemist who killed my brother and blew my face open, the military is tormenting the city populace in an attempt to foster a rebellion, and Roze's baby here is a product of gang-rape by soldiers.
Ed: Are you trying to out-angst me?
Scar: Is it working?
Ed: *sighs* Just go ahead and put me in handcuffs, it'll make the audience happy.
Episode 40: The Scar
Kimberly: Just in case anyone had forgotten what a psychopath I am, let's have some flashback.
Martel: Fuhrer! I kill!
Fuhrer: As anyone in the audience who can count knows, there's still one more sin running around out there. Hope you were keeping an eye out for him! Ha ha! Get it?
Martel: ...Shit! AL! The Fuhrer is a homunculus!
Al: Don't worry, you'll be safe in here.
Al: ...oh boy. That's going to leave a stain.
Episode 41-42: Holy Mother/Without Knowing His Name
Ed: You have my limbs!
Wrath: No, you have MY body!
Ed: It's MY body!
Wrath: No, it's mine!
Sloth: Boys, boys...
Scar: Hey Red, let's do a little cosplay. You be Nakago and I'll be Tamahome.
Kimberly: Uh, cant we do Seishirou and Subaru instead? And, ow.
Al: Um, Mr. Crimson Alchemist, sir, could you stop humping my leg like that? It's kind of disturbing.
Scar: Here, Al, let me give you a hand.
Al: Oh, great. Now I'm dying AND I'm ugly.
Scar: Whatever. I have to go kill the army now.
Lust: How? You have no arms.
Scar: ...I'm very determined.
Al, Lior, and 900 soldiers: GYAH.
Archer: Oh, look at that, our forces have been cut in half! Ha ha! Get it? Cut in half? *dies*
Ed: I'm surrounded by morons.
Roy: Okay. Now that I've accepted orders to track you down and kill you on sight as a traitor to the organization which I tricked you into joining when you were young and vulnerable, now that I've used and manipulated you constantly for several years, now that it's revealed that I've withheld information vital to you and your brother's quest, would you care to explain exactly why you felt you couldn't trust me, Ed?
Ed: Colonel, exactly what kinds of drugs did you people do back in officer's training school?
Episode 44: High Place of Light
Al: Gee, our father has returned after twelve years' absence, and is now flirting shamelessly with the maternal figure from episode 22, and to top it off, the brothers are having a feud! Oh, the sitcom-like wackiness!
Ed: Great. You go have fun with that while I desecrate our mother's grave.
Episode 45: She Who Lets Her Heart Rot
Ed: Okay, seriously now. Is there any possible trauma on the books that I haven't been put through?
BONES: Now, I know that we've been terrible teases to you people, what with showing Ed slowly getting more and more naked as the series progresses. So to make up for it, we're going to show you some real, live, hot, naked, sexx0ring.
Trisha: Ah! Ah! Un! Umf!
Hohenheim: Trisha! I love yooooouuuu!
Ed: Thank you. Thank you. That was the last one.
Episode 46: Human Transmutation
Ed: Unhand me, brat!
Audience: Al, stop being a dumbass, plz.
Episode 47: Homunculus Seal
Ed: This is for all those peanut butter and banana sandwiches! I HATE bananas!
Sloth: Wow, and sticking your arm through my chest sure is an oedipal way of killing somebody. Oedipal? Get it? Ed-ipal? *boom*
Wrath: WAH! Oh my God! What did you do to my girlfriend... I mean, mother figure!
Ed: The fuck, she's not your mother, she's mine!
Wrath: No, she's mine!
Sloth: Boys, boys... *dies*
Al: Mou, niisan! It's not fair, having incest with anyone other than me!
Ed: Oh, you can say that after your little 'sleepover' with Hohenheim, huh? See how it feels, bitch!
Lust: And people wonder why I stay single.
Terminator!Archer: It's true. Nobody stays dead in this series. BWAH!
Armstrong: You know what this series lacks? Crossdressing.
Ed: California or bust.
Roy: We're going to assassinate the leader of our country. Want to tag along?
Ed: Don't mind if I do.
Envy: I always wanted a pet rock.
Episode 49: The Other Side of the Gate
Ed: The plot won't let up from now until I'm carried out dead.
Al: Or I am.
Ed and Al: Or both.
Ed: Let's rock.
Russel: Come back alive!
Ed: Gee, thanks for jinxing it.
Roze: Does this dress make me look fat?
Ed: ...wtf. Dante is hitting on me? Roze is hitting on me? Is there some kind of rule that you can't be in this show without developing some kind of creepy lust thing for me?
Gluttony: Did somebody say Lust?
Dante: This is boring. Let's toss you into another world. Have fun bye!
Audience: WTF? O_o
Hohenheim: Told you I wasn't dead.
Episode 50: Death
Alter!Ed: Okay, what kind of luck does that take? Big open countryside, ONE blimp falling from the sky, and it falls on ME. Great.
Al: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
Ed: (to Envy) Payback time, biyatch.
Envy: Psst. Guess what? Remember when I said I didn't remember my original form? Well, I lied!
Audience: ...we KNEW that!
Ed: Fuck no! TWICE IN ONE EPISODE?
Audience: You gotta be shittin' me. o_o
Episode 51: Finale
Envy: Nah, he's too warm still. Give me an hour.
Pride: My family before my life. By which I mean I'll make sure they die before I do.
Roy: Ooh, burn.
Dante: Hey, stop it! I told you not to do alchemy!
Al: Yeah. And you're the one trying to kill us both. Explain to me exactly why I should give a damn what you say.
Envy: To the ends of the earth and beyond the wide horizon! Or something like that!
Dante: In retrospect, setting loose a crazed unstoppable killing machine with no way of controlling it may not have been the best idea.
Audience: Oh no! Best idea you've had all series!
Rose: You have great legs.
Ed: Thanks. I don't think now's the best time to be hitting on me, but thanks.
Al: I'll sacrifice my life for my brother.
Ed: Hey, no! I'll sacrifice MY life for my brother.
Al: No, I will! Quit trying to steal my spotlight!
Ed: Glory hog! Oof!
Al: Prima donna! Ow!
Rose: Boys, boys...