What If... Envy was a creature of reason?

"And then, he abandoned me!" ranted Envy. "That bastard abandoned his own child! Now do you see why I hate him? What kind of parent runs out on his own child?!"

"Why are you asking me?" Ed snapped. "He ran out on me when I was still a baby! The bastard! I'm in the same boat as you!"

Envy blinked up at Ed, deterred from his rant. "Huh? He abandoned you, too?"

"Of course!" Now Ed was into his favorite mode, bitch-at-the-bastard-father-who-ditched-us. "My mother was so in love with him, and he left her without a second thought! She died waiting for him and he never came back! He just wanted to fool around with her and play at having children! He was never a father to us, not for a moment!"

"Wow," Envy said, deeply moved. "That sucks so much. I didn't realize that he abandoned you just the same as me. We really are alike, aren't we?"

"The bastard!" Ed raved, not to be distracted.

Envy sat up, pushing Ed off onto the floor. "Gee, Edward," he said. "I've been completely wrong about you all this time. We should be sharing in our common experiences, not fighting! Let's be friends from now on, okay?"

"Huh?" Ed looked bewildered. "Oh... sure." He stood, and gave the homunculus a hand up. "I guess we are brothers after all."

Envy nodded. "We sure are," he said.

"Speaking of brothers," Ed said, "s'pose we can get Al out of that array?"

"Sure, no problem," Envy said, in an expansive-older-brother tone. "Then we can go to dinner. You need to get to know your older brother better."

"That sounds like a great idea!" And the two brothers went off, bickering.

"So, this shapeshifting thing," Ed was saying. "You can do, like, girls too, right?"

Dante stamped her foot, and glared around at everyone. "Envy! Get back here this minute!" she ordered.

"Yeah, hold your horses, old lady," Envy's voice floated back. "Yup. Guys, girls, sheep, the lot. It's pretty handy."

"Have you ever considered..."

And they lived happily ever after.