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Instant Pairing Fanfics


Yaoi pairings:

Elricest
Al (or Ed): I desire my brother. This is wrong and sinful, just in case we didn't have enough wrong and sinful stuff in our lives. Angst, angst, angst.
Ed (or Al): It's okay, brother, because I desire you too.
Al (or Ed): Yay! That makes it all better then.
(They have sex.)

Roy/Ed
Roy: Short.
Ed: I hate you!
(They have sex.)
Optional epilogue
Roy: I'm taking advantage of a boy half my age and under my command. Angst, angst, angst.
Ed: Roy, get back here and suck me.
Roy: Yessir.

Scar/Al
Al: Scar-san, I know you're a serial killer and all that, but I really believe you're a beautiful person deep inside.
Scar: ...
Al: ...
(They have sex.)

Greed/Kimbly
Kimbly: WTF?
Greed: Don't ask.
(They have sex.)

Scar/Ed.
Scar: You know, you have nice eyes, just like my brother's.
Ed: What a coincidence.
Scar: And you do alchemy, just like my brother.
Ed: What a coincidence.
Scar: And I'm hot for you, just like my brother.
Ed: What a coi... I'm going over here now, k?

Roy/Hughes
Hughes: I've got a wife and child waiting for me at home, you know.
Roy: Oh, shush. Don't break the magic.
(They have sex.)

Edvy
Envy: Whee! Time to fuck the Fullmetal shorty!
Ed: OH GOD SAVE ME. D:
(Cue the NCS.)


Yuri pairings

Winry/Scieszka
Al: I'm going to marry Winry!
Ed: No, I'm going to marry Winry!
Winry: Boys are so clueless. *grope*
Scieszka: *blush*


Het pairings

Royai
Riza: Just in case it's not obvious by now, sir, I love you.
Roy: Uh?
Riza: I love you for being a strong and morally principled man who would never do such a thing as, say... *pulls out gun* break his trusted subordinate's heart.
Roy: Ah.
(Riza gets a new dog. Cute!)

Ed/Winry
Ed: Automail freak!
Winry: Alchemy freak!
Ed: Definitely not cute.
(They get married.)

Al/Winry
Al: I just want you to know, Winry, that my true feelings are uh I um err well Ireallylikeyou.
Winry: Oh. Well, I'm glad to hear that and all, Al, but I'm afraid I'm in love with Ed.
Al: *bursts into tears*
Winry: Sike. You're so gullible, Al.
(They get married. Why do these things never involve sex?)

Ed/Scieszka
Scieszka: Hi, I'm library on legs.
Ed: MY FAITH IN A SUPREME DEITY HAS JUST BEEN RESTORED.
(They have sex, and start to build a shared book collection.)



Multiples

Al/Ed/Winry
Ed: I'm going to marry Winry!
Al: No, I'm going to marry Winry!
Winry: I can't decide!
(They all have sex.)

Roy/Ed/Al
Ed: You're sexy, Colonel, but we're already involved.
Roy: ...you could share.
Al: Do you think so?
Roy: You're engaging in homosexual incestuous relations with your brother and you're concerned with a little societal more called monogamy? Throw me a bone here.

Roy/Ed/Riza
Riza: Good work, Fullmetal.
Ed: *smug* Why thank you, Lieutenant.
Roy (in coma): Blondes... blondes... everywhere blondes...

Ed/Al/Winry/Scieszka
Al: ...I really think this just happened that once. I mean, seriously, what author would be indecisive enough to stick all four of us together in some weird dysfunctional family unit?
Winry: Shut up and kiss Ed.
Al: Okay.


Other Instant Pairing Fanfics as contributed by Kaltia:

Royal
Roy: Ed's gonna kill me.
Al: Niisan's gonna kill you.
(they have sex)
Ed: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, PERVERT!

Greed/Al
Greed: You are large, and empty, and metalic. Excuse me while I throw a minion inside you. Yo, Martel, what's it like in there?
Martel: Plenty of room for your CENSORED in here, boss.
Greed: Great! *Rubs hands* You don't mind, do ya, kid?
Al: ... Do I have a choice?
Greed: That's the spirit. And now I'll show you what my ultimate shield can do...
(Cue teh armoursex)
Ed: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, PERVERT!

Roy/Havoc Roy: Fraternisation.
Havoc: STFU and light my cigarette, bitch.
(They have sex. The bed catches fire.)

Greed/Envy
Greed: I am classy, suave and classed by fangirls as being 'nice', yo.
Envy: I'm a skort-wearing psychopath given constant unresolved sexual frustration and still found sexy by fangirls who obviously hates your guts and had you sealed for a century or so.
Greed: Suck me?
Envy: ... Sure.
(Much prolonged, violent and graphic homunculus sex follows)

Wrath/Al
Wrath: I HATE YOU.
Ed: Get away from my teacher!
Wrath: Not before I... ABSORB ALL HER CLOTHES INTO MY BODY! DIE, BASTARD, DIE!
Al: GET AWAY FROM HIM!
(They have tentacle rape.)
Wrath: How's it feel if I move my fingers.... THERE, hmm?
Al: Oooh, kinky... I MEAN, NO! BROTHER, RUN FOR SAFETY! LEAVE ME ALONE WITH WRATH, SAVE YOURSELF!
(More tentacle rape. And more. And more. And even more.)
Ed: ... I'M GONNA KILL YOU, PERVERT!