Lunch at the office was usually a quiet affair. Roy would disappear for a good hour to who knew where, Hawkeye would take Black Hayate for a walk, Breda and Farman would play cards or chess or some manner of strategy game, Havoc would smoke or lean back in his chair and fall asleep, and Fury would take apart...something, and then put it back together and finally, Ed would usually bolt out the door at the stroke of noon and create a one-man stampede to the mess hall.
But today, for whatever reason, there had been some sort of shift in routine, and Roy had called Hawkeye to his office alone, Breda and Farman had gone out with Havoc, and Fury... well, no one really though about him when he wasn't in the room. And Ed found himself with the entire office to himself and no need to leave it—Al had thoughtfully packed him a lunch this morning.
The Fullmetal Alchemist put his feet up on the desk and tilted backwards, absently rubbing his apple against his lapel before biting into it. Al didn't often make him lunches, so it was always a pleasure to have them. The food tasted better, or so he liked to think with whatever part of his brain held any capacity for romance.
But it was a little odd. Usually Al did it on special occasions, or when his brother had been having a bad week, but as far as Ed could tell, he hadn't missed any holidays, and he hadn't been too irritable of late...
The phone rang quite suddenly and he fell backwards with a squawk, quickly righting himself and the chair before picking up the offending device in a huff.
"Hi Brother!" the other end of the phone chirped, and Ed's shoulders immediately went from tense to jelly.
"Hey, Al, what's up? Why are you calling?"
"Do I have to have a reason to call?"
"No, not at all..." Ed settled himself back in the chair and leaned his elbows on the desk. "But is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine." The smile was evident in his voice, and it was contagious. "I just wanted to see how you were. I figured you'd be on lunch and wanted to give you a call."
The older Elric raised an eyebrow.
"You're starting to sound like a creepy housewife, Al, you might want to have that checked."
Al laughed, and for a moment it sounded like something fabric had shifted in the background.
"Well there was one thing I thought of that I wanted to tell you..."
"I just thought you might be interested to know I'm sitting in the living room on the leather couch—"
"That's dandy, why—"
"-and I'm stroking my cock to the sound of your voice."
Ed blinked. Slowly.
"Do what now?"
"Mmm," a shifting again, but this time he could hear the squeak of said leather couch clearly. "Well now I'm lying down, but...I thought you might like to know that I've got my hand down my shorts and I'm hot and hard and just hearing your voice is making it worse..."
Ed's mouth moved a few times, but he failed to make any coherent sound beyond "Uhhh?"
"Actually," Al continued. "I was thinking I might take my pants and my shorts off..." A long pause and the sound of clothing dropping to the floor. "Ah, that's better."
"Yes, brother? Ah, that's a nice spot, you know the one I'm talking about? It's the one on the head, I've told you when you lick me there that—"
"Are you really...because if you aren't...is this a joke? What's going on here?"
"What do you think is going on here?"
"I think you're being a brat!"
"How am I being a brat?" Oh fuck, Al's perfect pout carried over the telephone lines at full strength.
"Usually you like to know when I'm hard for you. So I thought I'd let you know that I've been hard for you all morning and I can't wait for you to get home...Plus, since you were so whiny about me having sex without you, I thought maybe..."
"Brother? Are you there?"
"Brother...I thought you'd like it if I..."
Continued silence and then...turning his chair away from the door as best he could, Ed hunched over the phone and said "Okay, so what are you wearing now?"
"Come on, I'm running out of lunch break!"
"I've just got on the button-down shirt I was wearing this morning...but I'm undoing the buttons right now..."
"And where are your hands?"
"...I just said, undoing the buttons."
"You can do that with one hand, I've seen you!"
"Well where would you like my hands to be, brother?" His voice was coy, the paragon of seduction.
Ed swallowed hard, and checked his surroundings again before letting his own hand slip down to cover his crotch.
"I want you to slide your hand up your shirt and touch your nipples for me."
"Mmmm..okay, I'm doing it brother..."
"I want you to pinch one and pretend I'm biting you there, just like you like it..."
His little brother gasped on the other end of the line and Ed pressed against himself harder.
"Now I want you to...hold the phone with your shoulder so you have both hands free, and I want you to keep...keep pinching and then I want you to touch yourself."
"I am touching myself."
"You know what I mean."
"Tell me what you mean, brotherrrr..." Al dragged his name into a sultry purr. "Tell me where you want me to touch myself for you."
"Touch...touch your cock for me."
Hissing, heavy breathing; Ed slumped in the chair and massaged his trousers, feeling the warm friction against his rapidly growing erection and closing his eyes, imaging what his brother must have looked like, so close but so far...
"Um, I'm touching it, brother...It's leaking, should I stroke it? What do you want me to do?"
"Don't...don't spend too much time on it yet...I want you to reach down and cup your balls for me. Are you still pinching your nipple?"
"Good...now, squeeze your balls, really gently, like I would if I were there... roll them a little like I do... you know how I do it, right? You like that."
"I love it when you do it...oh, brother I want you so badly..."
"Fuck, Al, I want you too..." Ed bit the side of his cheek as his fingers slipped under his waistband.
"I want to come, brother...I want you to touch me and I want to come so hard...Oh, tell me what you want me to do..."
Cradling the phone against his own shoulder, Ed reached up and dragged his fingers across his eyes. Time was running out on lunch, and there was no way he could possibly end the conversation before Al came, even if the Gate itself threw open its doors and attempted to drag him and the telephone inside.
"Okay...okay, I want you to stop with your nipple and I want you to take that hand and fist it around your cock, real good and tight."
"And I want you to start pumping your cock, use your pre-cum as lube and squeeze your balls and come for me Al, come fast and hard for me, let me know how bad you want me."
"I want you to come home right now and fuck me, brother, I want you so bad I'm...I'm...oh, oh god..."
"Yes, yes..." He was a breath away from touching himself along with Al when—-as would be expected—the door flew open. Lunch was over. "Oh fuck..."
"Yes, yes, fuck me brother, fuck meeee..."
"...would have gotten a date if you hadn't corrected her spelling on that crossword." Breda was laughing.
"Well how the hell was I suppose to know that?" Havoc flopped into his chair loudly. "I thought women liked men who could spell 'coccyx.'"
"That was just dirty." Farman muttered, taking his own seat. "Edward?"
"Fuuuuck!" Ed squeaked, hunching over the phone.
"Yes!" Al was breathing harder, getting louder with every second. "I'm going to come for you brother, I'm so close.."
Ed cupped his hand over the receiver, as if he could keep the sound in.
"Yes?" he peeked around the back of the chair.
"Are you on the phone? If it's a private call you might want to finish it up before Hawkeye gets back in approximately thirty seconds."
"I know, I know, I just...leave me alone for a sec!" The blond boy curled into a ball on the chair. "Al, hurry."
"Ummm, but it feels so good, I just want to make it last, ahhhh..."
"No seriously, Al, please, hurry..."
"Oh, brother, oh...ohhhh...tell me what you want me to do, tell me where you want me to come..."
Ed could practically hear the seconds ticking down to his doom: ten, nine, eight...
"I want you to...ehermcome," he half-coughed, "On your stomach, so I can lick it off."
"Is something wrong? Brother if—"
"No! Yes! No! Maybe! Just do it! Do it for me now!"
And the door opened, and Hawkeye, followed by Roy entered the room just as Alphonse Elric came, shouting into the phone loud enough for everyone present to hear.
Oppressive, brain-crushing silence.
Ed whirled the chair around—luckily managing to get his waist under the desk, obscuring his erection, but unluckily smashing his fingers in the process. Five pairs of eyes stared at him.
"Fullmetal..." Roy offered warily. "Was that Alphonse?"
Again, Ed felt his mouth moving, but nothing was happening.
"Oh, god, brother..." The words were still coming out through the phone. "oh god, I—"
Ed looked frantically around the room, then at the phone and in a moment of panic did the only thing he could think of.
"AL!" he screamed into the phone. "AL ARE YOU ALL RIGHT OH MY GOD I THINK AL JUST SET HIS HAND ON FIRE OR MAYBE HE SET HIS HOUSE ON FIRE OR OUR HOUSE OR I DUNNO I THINK HE'S BLEEDING I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW!"
The phone was slammed into its cradle and Edward was halfway down the hall before his coworkers' uniforms had finished fluttering in his wake.
"Sir," asked Hawkeye as she collected the last of the papers off Roy's desk, "Do you think you should send someone over to the Elrics' house and make sure they're all right?"
"They're fine, Lieutenant." Roy smiled smugly and capped his pen. "I promise you that."
"But Edward looked so shaken. He was flushed, and I really think that where Alphonse is concerned, we should—"
"Hawkeye," the General leaned back and grinned at her. "Have you never had phone sex before?"
Hawkeye froze and clenched the papers tightly, pursing her lips before turning away.
"...but...but it's an OFFICE phone!"
"At least it was during lunch break."
Hawkeye whirled back, eyes turning steely.
"You mean other people do it on duty?"
"I...You know, I need to get home."
Roy almost made it to the door before she wrenched the phone off the desk and flung it at his head.